


Edge of Loneliness

by Sombereyes



Series: Loneliness [1]
Category: Mai-HiME
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drama, F/F, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-07
Updated: 2013-10-01
Packaged: 2017-12-07 20:10:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 31,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/752562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sombereyes/pseuds/Sombereyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A story co authored with a buddy of mine who doesn't have an account...</p></blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A story co authored with a buddy of mine who doesn't have an account...

**Edge of Loneliness  
** (Natsuki POV)

She was beautiful, so much so, I forgot that my head was throbbing in pain, and in addition, that I had four stitches just above my eyebrow.

I was being released from the hospital today, actually free from this damn bed, they'd forced me to stay here for over a week you see, and that was just a pain in the ass. She'd had to leave me too, the reason of my injury had to be taken home, and looked after. School nights, hell, at the brat's age, I wouldn't be sleeping, I'd be playing games, or staying up late with mom...we'd be watching old black and white movies on the flickering screen of the front room [television](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8750944/1/Edge-of-Loneliness)...that or I'd be hiding under her covers if she'd worked a long, tiring day, as she often did, refusing to go to my room.

I was a pain in the ass as a kid, sometimes.

I never did like sleeping much, and my mom and I, we fought about that every night until she gave up the battle and let me stay up with her...turns out, I'd pass out about an hour later anyway, and as I got older, I realized she just made my bed time an hour earlier, and that's why she actually stopped fighting with me...it wasn't because I'd won, it was because she got the upper hand...but I digress. Mom died back when I was a kid, so really, when I was the brat's age, I had to grow up a lot faster...

That's why I think she's a brat, she has what I didn't at her age, and she managed to worry that poor woman senseless.

Alright...I think I'm either majorly drugged, or I'm more of a jackass than I realized...but whatever. The pain went away, and that's all I care about...and if they think I'll be coming back in a few days to have the stitches removed, they can kiss my happy ass. I'll take them out myself, hell it can't be that hard...though, it'll probably hurt, but not as much as the stupid glass shard that grazed my head in the first place. It wasn't my fault that the kid and her mom got separated in the busy streets, and I sure as hell didn't have anything to do with the thug who thought he was going to use the girl as collateral...what was the guy, an idiot?

Well, he wasn't completely idiotic.

He did have a gun, and one of his buddies as back up...holding a child a gunpoint to get what he wanted was a bit much, but I guess it would be effective...it would have been, if I hadn't gone and pissed him off. I guess a baseball bat isn't the same as a good pistol, but I left mine at home...well, it isn't mine, it was my dad's before he up and left...mom always kept it, and so when she died, that was one of the first things I learned how to do...shoot my family's gun as best as I could.

Thankfully, they weren't a very good shot, but you know, fools with guns are just stupid no matter what...I tried to play hero and get landed in the hospital, go figure... He missed me, but he did hit a window, and broken glass sliced through skin pretty good. I caused a scene at least, got the attention of the authorities, and managed to save the woman who's been visiting me for the past week. Sometimes I wish she would just go away, but she's taking the time to get to know me, a worthless little punk off the streets...

Well, my teachers call me that, and I do skip class a lot, but hey, not my problem if they don't like it.

I just turned eighteen this year, so it's not like I'm a little kid who needs protecting, I've been on my own for a while. The school of life teaches you more than most people realize, and the stuff it has, well, lets just say a math book doesn't make up for it, though I guess it can help sometimes...but anyway, I know people think I'm a troublemaker. It's fine if they think that, I'm not usually one for correcting them. It doesn't mean it's true though. I do actually care about the books in class, and believe it or not, I've read all of them cover to cover...I always manage to test out of summer classes, so whatever I'm doing, it seems to be working...

Well...was working...I didn't think I'd get shot before my mid term exams...but I can make those up, so I guess it isn't a big deal.

I wanna get out of this bed though...and fast...as soon as they release me, I'm going home and watching a few good horror movies, and I just might order a pizza...yeah, that sounds pretty good.

…

It was afternoon before her papers had all come back, and she'd finally been given her leather suit, which had a few rips in it. Natsuki sighed as she forced herself to squeeze into the tight fitting, but comfortable suit she'd been wearing at the time, with very little else besides underwear underneath. It was more comfortable that way, especially on the hot day that it had been during the escapade. As she sat on the bed, putting on her boots, the final piece to her ensemble, she heard a knock on the door, followed by a voice she'd come to familiarize herself with during her brief stay in the confines of her bed. "May I come in?" The thick accent had inquired from behind the door.

"Yeah, you can." Natsuki said then. "I'm decent."

"I thought perhaps I could see you off and make sure you arrived home safely." The woman who stepped through the door was much older than Natsuki. She was gorgeous, her voluptuous frame hidden under her skirt and blouse. Crimson eyes regarded her through thin wire frames, reading glasses she'd normally perch atop her had, Natsuki had begun to notice over time. Her hair was often left loose to waft freely as it pleased, normally, elegantly so. Today however, it had been pulled up into a tight bun, for whatever reason, only her bangs were left free. The new look startled Natsuki a bit, but the older woman didn't seem phased.

"If you want." Natsuki shrugged, her eyes falling back down to her leather boots. "You really don't have to worry about me though, I'm perfectly fine."

A sad little noise fell from Shizuru's lips, an admonishment of sorts, Natsuki knew that sound very well by now. "I used to say that too, you know." Her high heels clicked as she walked across the floor, and when she knelt down, looking Natsuki in the eyes, a look that had become routine fell into place. "But you aren't 'perfectly fine' or you wouldn't have stitches upon your beautiful face."

"Cut it out." Natsuki grumbled, removing the porcelain hand that had been holding her midnight tresses up to see the gash. "I told you, stop worrying about it. I'm just glad that you and your daughter are safe."

"That color is nearly criminal." Shizuru said softly, her smile just like her voice. "Really though, you shouldn't let all of your blood rush to your head like that, it surely can't be healthy."

"Yeah so what, half the stuff I do in my life isn't healthy...have you seen how much mayo I put on my food?" Never mind the fact she went toe to toe with two armed men, all for the sake of strangers. Yes, Natsuki knew she lived on the wild side, even if only a little, but it was just her way. It was a good deed done and over with as far as she was concerned. This woman had to perpetuate it, simply by fawning over every little bruise she came across. "Anyway, I'm ready when you are, so we can get the hell outta here."

Shizuru nodded, and they both left the room, and, to Natsuki's great pleasure, the doors of the hospital a few minuets later. Shizuru's car was an average minivan, white outside, gray interior. The back was littered with stickers on the window, and booster seat for her child, who didn't meet the height requirement to go without one yet. As Natsuki climbed in and sat down, she couldn't help but smell lavender, a scent that had become a known and welcome one, though Natsuki hadn't questioned why.

"Go ahead and type in your street address here." Shizuru had a GPS built into the dashboard, and it came to life once she started the car.

Natsuki tapped away where she lived, hit enter, and the route was made, now all she had to do was sit in a car with this woman for fifteen minuets and escape to her abode. Natsuki couldn't wait. "I know you don't want me to express my gratitude, but I really am thankful for all that you've done." Shizuru began again. Her words a melody in and of themselves. "I feel like I should repay you in some way, and yet, you'll ask for nothing, and I have no idea what could possibly be enough."

"Stop it..." Natsuki's crossed arms made her look more annoyed than she sounded as she sighed. "If it wasn't you, it would have been someone else, and I would have done the same thing even if it was." It wasn't like Natsuki could actually see who it was being held up in the alleyway, not until after she'd rounded the corner at a full sprint. "So you really don't owe me anything." Her eyes watched the timer and mileage count down as Shizuru kept driving, and Natsuki realized she wouldn't be home soon enough, but once she was home, she likely wouldn't see this woman again...something about that seemed painfully bad. She didn't want that to happen. "Just keep in touch, eh? I gotta keep you and the brat safe somehow."

Shizuru smiled at that. "If that's what Natsuki would like, I'd be happy to oblige you with such a request." She'd come to understand that was just Natsuki's way of endearing herself to people, having actually seen the girl talk to her friends the same way, going so far as to cuss one of them out openly, and to do it without remorse. Calling her child Alyssa, a 'Brat' was likely the same thing as her name in Natsuki's mind.

"Yeah..." Natsuki's voice was noncommittal, but her closed eyes spoke all. "I'm kinda tired, so I'll just rest while you drive." Her medicines were making her quite tired, and as she reclined back a bit in the seat, she could feel the calm gaze of eyes upon her form. They'd always glanced at her so casually, it was comforting in it's own way, and yet, very unnerving at the same time. Natsuki hadn't ever known what to think about it, so instead, she simply didn't let it bother her.

Ignorance was bliss during times like that.

…  
(Shizuru POV)

I'm a waitress at a steakhouse inside of a highrise building, near the top floor. It sounds better than it is, honestly. It wasn't my profession of choice, I always dreamed I'd become a doctor, or a lawyer...something that made several digits fall off the check every other week. Something that would have me, and the family I chose to have, well paid for. Dreams are only drams, and I know now, that you can't exactly trust your heart based on a whim.

My daughter is the only proof that I have ever loved a man in the first place, lets just say, he was a friend. A very dear friend, and although we're both still very close, the real truth of the matter is that we could never be together. Reito, well he's also my boss, but we're not going to get into that...it isn't the reason we broke up...that wouldn't have been a problem, in fact, it would have been a godsend if we actually had worked out.

We're both totally and completely gay, a truth that for myself, and my family, was a very difficult thing to deal with.

At least a beautiful baby girl came from it, and Reito, he's the most wonderful father for a little girl to have. That's one of the reasons I never went back to school after my pregnancy, job security, it's a very wonderful thing. Reito, he looks out for me and Alyssa in ways no other employer would. I'm one of the highest paid employees, not that I wasn't near the top before mind you, but being the head manager does tend to raise the amount of bills that you earn, and the hours are nice...I can have as many personal days as I need, and Reito knows when I need a day off, and often times, shoos me off himself.

The tips are good, but not exactly good enough to live in the lap of luxury. I keep the bills paid and food on the table. We're able to go out and see a movie every other week, and between Reito and I, we try to keep Alyssa as busy as possible. He takes her for a few days here or there, something he insists on, but sometimes, that does make things lonely. I don't mind it, I think it's wonderful him and Tate, his partner, want to even have Alyssa in their 're wonderful fathers, both of them.

Plus, it's safer with Reito.

I live in a not so safe area of town, actually, my apartment is a scant few blocks away from where our little predicament occurred. I'll admit, Natsuki is a quandary...yet, I'm very glad I've met her...if it hadn't been for her bravery, who knows what would have ended up happening.

She's a bit rough around the edges, and she's only eighteen. Barely that as it is, she came of age a few weeks before I met her. She's such an odd girl. Closed off from the world, as if she has something to prove, I guess, in some ways, that she does. She doesn't seem very open, and I've tried to do my best when it comes to that...I figured I owed her that much. She saved my daughter's life after all.

I'm no pushover, if it had just been me, if I hadn't had to worry about my child being hurt by my irrational actions, may god have taken pity of those poor deranged souls.

Still, I left that life behind me a long time ago. I'm twenty-eight you see, so, I'm a full ten years older than Natsuki. My mother used to work in a burlesque house, so as a child, I was occasionally around some shady individuals. By nature, being the protective woman she was, and considering I often found myself at the mercy of her unwavering late night hours, I'd taken up lessons in martial arts early in my life. As a child, it was judo, but as I grew older, I learned many other skills.

I may be rusty, I haven't practiced them in quite some time, I haven't had the need...the point is, if I'd had to really get out of a bad situation, I probably could have... I couldn't guarantee Alyssa's safety though, so I thought it to be a risk I was unwilling to take...complying with the man's demands was likely the better option.

I didn't know what to do. Before I could come to a proper decision however, there she was, screaming as if she'd lost her mind with a bat over her head, swinging it like a fool. She actually managed to tackle Alyssa to the ground, and while the rough and tumble nature of the crash landing could have been done without such a fuss, I was thankful my child was no longer at gunpoint.

From there, I was able to take out the other man, rendering him without his weapon, then the authorities arrived, and we'd nothing left to fear. Alyssa and I were understandably shook up from the experience, but apart from some bits of glass in her hand, she was completely unharmed, something I'll forever be thankful for.

Natsuki didn't fair so well. Most of the shattered window had actually fallen on top of her, and that included the metal frame work and wooden siding. She suffered a horrible concussion, and a nasty head wound, though it looked more gruesome than it really was. They insisted to keep her hospitalized for a week, and every day while my child is in school, I've taken to visiting Natsuki. Reito's been teasing me about it, saying that I've finally met someone, and that he thinks it's good that I've taken an interest. I don't quite know if that's true.

She's so young, and besides, I doubt having an overwhelming sense of gratitude exactly falls under 'having taken an interest' but, I digress.

She's shy with me sometimes, and I find that rather cute. Natsuki's got this nature about her that's untamed, and yet, soft and gentle. She's an odd mix between wanting to lash out at the world, and simply forgetting that the rest of the world exists, and her blush during such times is quite amusing. I can't say I know much about her past, but I do know she is without a family. I can't imagine the types of struggles a young woman her age goes through, having such difficulty, but being the type of person that I was raised to be, I can't possibly overlook such a diamond in the rough...I feel like I should help her somehow...just like she helped me.

The only problem is, I've no idea what it is that I could possibly do for her, she seems quite capable already, and so, alas, I find myself at a loss.

I don't know what I was expecting as I pulled into a subdivision that was in a quite, safe, little rural community. Perhaps that she was living with friends, but she always seemed so lonely, and now, I didn't quite know what to think. Her home, it was on the end of the block...a corner house, two story, and fairly large considering she was the only one living there. All the lights were out, and it hadn't looked used in some time. "We're here." I'd said then, as she opened her sleepy eyes. My fingers hesitated on the key, and I could see it in her eyes, though I knew she wasn't going to say it.

She didn't want me to leave...  
And I didn't want to leave her...  
"Let me help you inside."  
She didn't need my help...  
And I had no reason to try to help her either...

"Okay..." She'd muttered in a low voice...and just like that, I turned off the car, pulled the key out of the ignition, and sighed at how wrong this could actually be.

She doesn't seem to know what she's getting into, helping someone like me.  
Then again, I suppose, I haven't the slightest clue what I'm going to do about these feelings that occur whenever I'm with her.

…

"My mom left everything to me." Natsuki said as she flipped on the light in the hall. The house was quiet, so much so, it seemed eerie. The buzzing of the refrigerator gave some noise, as did the settling of the wooden door, but there was no one but Natsuki here, living in this rather large four bedroom home. "I want to go put on some real clothes, so if you want anything to drink, the kitchen's that way." She pointed off in the direction, and then meandered up the stairs.

Shizuru sighed at the lonely feeling of the house. The dining room went unused, a thick layer of dust covering most of everything...the kitchen was clean, beautifully done really, but you could tell it lacked a mother's touch. The pantry was filled with instant meals, 'just ass water' plastered across most, if not all of them. Chip bags, and other inedible blasphemy greeted Shizuru in the other cupboard, along with some tea, and various sports packets, the same 'just add water' instructions across the backing. _'This is a lonely house...made for a lonely girl.'_ Shizuru thought darkly as she went about preparing the green tea that she'd found. Soda cans were littered everywhere, and things that a mother would think of to do, such as take things to the bottle return, or putting the easily perishable foods towards the back of the fridge, it didn't seem to occur here.

The simple luxuries such as having the crust cut off a sandwich, or a home cooked dinner every night, even blowing bubbles into milk, all of it was likely forgotten before Natsuki knew it.

She couldn't imagine what it would be like day in, and day out, when the only company late at night would be little more than her own thoughts, what that might due to a person over several long years. She swallowed as the grim tendrils of truth became apparent. Past for this girl, the seeds of what made her, kept an aura around the house. Places she didn't touch, areas she dare never walk into again. It all made sense, really. Still, the pang in her chest at such a horrible thought made her consider never leaving Natsuki's side ever again, if it meant getting rid of the feeling of shadow that seemed to loom over this household. It was no longer a home, but instead, a cadge.

Still, even as she thought this, there wasn't anything she could really do to make the feeling go away.

"Sorry it took so long." To hear another voice was booming and loud, as were the other sounds of life, such as the buzzing of the microwave as water heated inside a mug. "Trying to find something easy to button down, it was harder than I thought it would be. Good thing dad and I have the same taste in clothes." She'd been wearing a blue button down shirt, and a pair of form fitting, but loose jeans. "Kinda big though, isn't it."

"It'll do fine." Shizuru said softly then. Natsuki didn't seem as depressed as she should be. _'Where is your father? His clothes are still here, so that man must be around someplace.'_ It hadn't occurred to her that her voice could betray her in such a way, although, the calm, cool gaze in Natsuki's eyes as she went to retrieve herself a soda didn't waver. Instead, she let a smile, perhaps one of pity flutter across her face. Ironic, considering the situation.

"He's in America." Quickly she answered. "He left us several years ago...before my mom died. He refused to come home after that, and I guess the things he didn't take with him are mine. We talk sometimes, but usually we just fight when we do." She cracked the top and took a sip, it seemed so final like that. "Are you sure you don't have to go get the brat, school will be out soon."

"No, her father will be picking her up today." She too, took a sip from her mug, letting things settle in. "Natsuki, are you happy here?" The question was weighted, and hesitantly spoken, a soft murmur that Shizuru hadn't wanted to speak, but she couldn't find anything else to say.

"It's alright." It was a strong answer, stronger than the look in emerald eyes spoke of. Shizuru could tell Natsuki probably wasn't lying, it likely wasn't all that horrible, but at the same time, it wasn't exactly a happy place to live either. "You learn to get by like this."

"I don't want you to just 'get by.'...that's no way to live."

…  
(Shizuru POV)

What was I doing, saying something like that? My heart hammered away in my chest, and I felt something for this girl...something I hadn't felt for anyone in a long time. I wanted to take her pain away. I'll admit, when I'd tried to do that for myself, I ended up turning to quite self destructive ways at her age. Sleeping around with every woman I met, well, lets just say Reito was a reprieve from that. A breath of fresh air, and, he was safe... not to mention he made my parents happy. He didn't make me happy though, he was a man, and there are just some things my heart can't share with them.

Just between us, it wasn't the sex. For a man, he was amazing. Still, he lacked something for me, as I assume I did for him.

I care a great deal for Reito, but it isn't love. Women have come and gone in my life, especially when Alyssa was way to young to really remember it. As she got older though, I realized she might attach herself to anyone who I might bring home. I began to understand that, the day she'd come home from shopping for a present, and all I'd heard for several hours was about a blond haired, golden eyed young man, the one Reito had been seeing for several months beforehand. My heart ached at that, and I vowed never to let myself get reckless, I didn't want her to get hurt because of my actions.

So, I stopped bringing woman in my bed every other night...I made sure I only had a one night stand when Alyssa wasn't around to encounter it.

Still, the other women I slept with were my own age, roughly, and we understood well that we'd never really be together. They had husbands, or children, people waiting for them, and yet, they'd commit infidelity easily, and without a care in the world. I didn't want my daughter around that, or myself for that matter, so I simply stopped seeing other people. It is lonely though, there are some nights, when Alyssa stays over with Reito, that I realize how lonely and sad I am. I'm a people person by nature, but having a daughter you want to protect more than anything else in the world, it makes things a bit hard.

I kept telling myself that I'd put myself back out there one day, and look for a stable, capable woman, worthy of my love and affection.

She'd be someone I could trust my daughter with, and god willing, that this person might come to love my child, as though she were her very own. Perhaps we'd have more children together, adopt, or something, that's what I wanted, so much so, that I let myself wait around. I kept looking for something that was never there...and then Natsuki came along with this crass attitude, and yet, I could see the concern in her eyes...even though she was the one who was hurt.

"How's the brat?" That's what she asked me, before even asking if I was alright, or complaining that she didn't have any pain killers...even the day she was on the ground bleeding, cursing up a storm...she still asked the question. "God damn it, are you okay?" Even with gritted teeth, her eyes were on my daughter, making sure she was safe from harm.

Every day, it was the same question. "How's you and the brat?" The words weren't hateful. They were soft...that was her pet name for Alyssa, she'd ruffle my daughter's hair, smile sadly at her...say everything was alright, when it clearly wasn't...going so far as to tell her that she had to learn to protect her mommy better...

As if I needed protecting from a mere child, mine no less...

After I'd learned that Natsuki's mother was gone, I couldn't help but come to understand. Her words weren't to begrudge Alyssa anything...perhaps, in its own way, it was a fair warning, one Natsuki felt she ought to give, having been on that side of the fence, having lost such a woman in her life...that's when I allowed myself to trust this young woman. Yet with trust, other emotions come along...now I find myself feeling something that I consider to be completely inappropriate.

Natsuki is an entire ten years younger than I am, so even if she is an adult, consenting perhaps at that, I can't help but feel as if this is completely and totally immoral. Still, I can't stop what my beating heart tells me, and after we talked for the day, and I had to go home, I understood that this wasn't just a passing interest...on the drive, my mind did nothing more than focus on Natsuki...how she let me leave, but I could tell, her eyes said it all...

 _"Stay...please, just stay."_ That's what they'd been saying, even if she wouldn't voice her pleading thoughts.

I wanted to stay too...and the first thing I did when I got home and walked into my empty little apartment, I called her. _"Did you make it home okay?"_ She picked it up on the first ring, heatedly asking me that question...and that's really how it started...that's when my heart decided that she had to be the one.

 

...

Late that night, Natsuki realized she could sleep. she tossed, she turned, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get that annoyingly beautiful woman out of her head. In fact, as she had found out much to her dismay, she was becoming quite attracted to Shizuru in more ways than one would deem healthy. After having woken up again from another alluring dream she sighed in defeated agony. "This is just stupid." She couldn't help the fact that she was a perfectly healthy individual - the pooling heat in her crotch not withstanding – but she had to admit, this particular predicament was one she'd never exactly encounter before.

Oh, she'd noticed other women before.

She'd just never toy with ideas idly in her head...and before today, she most assuredly didn't invite older ones, whom she hardly knew, to enjoy some tea with her in her sparsely kept kitchen. It drove her nearly mad, and without recourse to her actions she buried her head into her pillow. It didn't matter that no one was around. “Damn it!” She had a deep blush on her face, purely for thinking about a woman in _that_ way...she'd never really thought about it before now.

 


	2. Edge of loneliness, part 2

**Edge of loneliness, part 2**

"Natsuki..." Shizuru's voice was soft as she watched the woman of midnight tresses sitting in the chair, her frown deep as she plucked away at something just above her eyebrow. "Natsuki, I really don't think you should do that." She'd been doing it constantly, and without remorse to herself, sometimes grumbling in agony when she'd scratched harder than she intended.

"The damn thing itches like hell, and if I don't scratch it, I'll go insane." Natsuki grumbled, her tone darkened through clenched teeth. It bugged her to scratch and pick at them, but it also irritated her to leave them alone. Using her palm to put pressure on the spot that annoyed her the most, she nearly growled at the nuisance of it all. "I can't [study](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8750944/6/Edge-of-Loneliness) like this..Jesus, this is worse than the time I fell into poison ivy!"

"Well, I [agree](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8750944/6/Edge-of-Loneliness), that doesn't sound very pleasant." Shizuru said as she looked in her purse. "If you'd like, I could try to put so ointment on it."

"I'm not supposed to get them wet for any length of time." Natsuki remarked, though, she honestly hadn't cared much about that rule. She was more worried the woman would get into her personal space again, something she didn't all together hate, but found herself confused that she enjoyed. Every time Shizuru got near her, her tummy would flip flop, like a fish out of water. It made her sometimes feel ill, and others, it made her happy. She felt like she was walking around in stupor whenever Shizuru came around. It was heaven and hell all at once.

"You're not supposed to pick away at them either." Shizuru offered logically. "Ointment won't do nearly as much damage as your consistent fingers, you'll further serve to irritate the area, doing that as you are."

"Shizuru, I'm fine honestly." Natsuki said, backing away as Shizuru crept closer, scooting her chair away from the table as a result. "I can deal with this myself." Natsuki caught the hand that was going to brush her long hair to the side for a better look. The area was red and puffy, Natsuki could feel that much, the heat practically rising off of it like steam would a kettle.

"Just how do you intend to do that?" Shizuru sighed exasperatedly, looking Natsuki in the eye, her lips thinning into a tight line at the audacity of those shimmering emerald orbs. Ones full of mirth, and not a hint of clairvoyance, the annoyance above her eyebrow something she couldn't stand any longer.

At that, Natsuki smirked, as if she had come up with the perfect solution. "Come with me, and I'll show you."

"Oh dear..." Shizuru sighed, following after Natsuki who scurried into the house with a dimly lit fire in her eyes. "Natsuki, please don't attract any further havoc, you've done enough recently." She watched the girl as she partook of the scissors from the drawer in the kitchen and let out of string of curses when she discovered they were too big.

"Damn!" Natsuki slammed the drawer shut, before going into the bathroom, where a smaller pair happened to sit in the first aid kit under the sink. "There we go, these will work better."

Shizuru bit her lip. "I really don't think that's a good idea..." She hid her worrying lip behind her palm, breathing deeply as Natsuki all but sent the scissors swimming in the disinfectant. "Might I suggest that we go seek out a professional if you want them out that badly. I'm sure it would work more to our favor."

Natsuki all but snarled as she looked at Shizuru's expression. "These damn things are driving me nuts." Natsuki ranted pointing at her stitches as she continued arguing with her current companion. "It'll only take a second."

"Really Natsuki, you should just go in and get it done properly." Shizuru sighed as she watched Natsuki fiddling with a very sharp, yet thin pair of scissors.

"I'm not going back in there...not when I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself." Natsuki said, her retort harsh only because of the fact that she was squinting while gazing into the mirror, trying her best to figure out how to cut her stitches out. "I really hate those types of sterile environments...plus they poke at you every hour on the hour. It's just stupid."

"Oh for heaven's sake." Shizuru couldn't take it anymore. "You're making me nervous. At least let me do it for you." Natsuki looked questioningly at Shizuru's outstretched hand before nodding, giving her the sharp, offending object. "Sit down, so I can get a better look at you." Natsuki plunked down the [toilet seat cover](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8750944/2/Edge-of-Loneliness), sitting there as Shizuru gently cupped Natsuki's chin, pondering for a moment if this really was a good idea. "Don't move." She'd murmured then, while carefully cutting the first stitch.

Natsuki's cheek's flared, heating under the touch of cool fingertips as Shizuru inched closer to her, trying to get a better look. They were so close that one wrong move, and she'd easy be able to run her own hand across Shizuru's thigh. The woman's skirt was a tightly fitting one, with a high cut that ended several inches above her knee. Natsuki didn't dare move though, as the last three stitches were cut and plucked out, leaving only the faintest trickle of blood from where they'd been. "You're good at this type of thing aren't you?"

"Yes..." Shizuru felt parched. "Well, I suppose that comes along due to [circumstance](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8750944/2/Edge-of-Loneliness) more than anything else." She cleared her throat then, washing her hands in the sink as Natsuki held some gauze to her forehead. "When you have a child, they tend to get hurt, and you realize that sometimes it's pointless to fight every battle, so, when you can, I guess you just learn a lot of things on the fly like that. Mostly because you have no other choice." From the mirror she could see the look she was being given, amusement twinkling in emerald orbs. "Most people think I come by things naturally, but really, there's a lot of times I do it because of pure willpower alone. Times like now."

"Woman of all trades." Natsuki shrugged then standing up. "I guess that makes sense." Things were starting to scab over, thankfully, and so she tossed her gauze in the basket. "How is the brat doing anyway?"

"She misses you, she's been chattering away at Reito ever since she's had the opportunity." Although, it was a quandary Shizuru didn't have an answer for. "Alyssa isn't normally so interested in others. It's actually quite rare when you come to think about it." Yet, that's what had happened, hadn't it? Shizuru felt a pang at that, unsure why Natsuki seemed to have become the center of the very world. "Still, she insists on meeting with you again."

"You guys can come to the picnic on Saturday if you want." It had slipped from her lips so casually, that Natsuki didn't even have a chance to stop the thought. "Nao...the idiot you met the one day up at the hospital, she'll be there...Mai's cooking everything before hand, and I think she may bring Takumi along, but it depends on how he's feeling."

"I'm sure you wouldn't want us there. We simply wouldn't fit in." Shizuru followed Natsuki out into the back yard, where the patio was covered in leaves that hadn't been swept up yet. On the table were Natsuki's school books, all strewn around and mangled. It was a mystery how anyone could study from them, given their condition.

"Don't worry about that so much." Natsuki nodded her head to the building behind her house, an old school that was no longer in use. It was now a board office, and also the appointed summer school building, but the field was large and the playground was also kept up well. "We're going to be back there, so everyone's gonna meet up here, and then we're going to hop the fence...or, well, in your case, I guess you could use the gate."

"What time will you be there?" Shizuru finally agreed.

"After retests, so probably sometime in the afternoon. Nao flunked out on three of them, and I missed the exam days completely." Hence why the books were open in haphazard order. "You could totally just crash here for the day though, I'll be coming right back from tests, so you guys could just hang out here, if you've got nothing else planed. I've got all the movies back from when I was little still in the case in the corner, and a bunch of video games in the chest I use as a coffee table." Still as she closed the ones nearest her, putting them off to the side, she couldn't help but wonder. "What is it?"

"You haven't gone back to school yet, have you?" The worry in her voice seemed deeply laced. Shizuru had been doing that, and it had become routine within only a few days. Natsuki, she'd come to expect it and this new visitor that was slowly becoming a natural part of the things simply were. "You stay home every day, and I just thought that it might be lonely."

"Taking care of this house, it's a lot of work." Natsuki was content not going to listen to the tripe at school. "The teachers really don't like me around, they say I'm a disruption. Honestly, between you and I, I don't want to be there anyway. So, as long as I keep my grades up, and understand the work, they sort of overlook my attendance record...some teachers are assholes about it, but others, they just sort of pity me, and don't say anything. Either way, I'd rather be here. I can do my assignments in my own good time, and then do whatever I want." Though that wasn't entirely true. "Most of the time, I'm doing chores around here...like sooner or later, the grass will need to be cut again, and I'll have to sweep these leaves up before they rot. Stuff like that, it keeps me busy, so it actually is easier to do my work from home."

"I guess that makes sense." That was all she could say. This girl was taking on so much, all the time, and that pained Shizuru greatly. "So, then, what would you like for lunch today?"

"You don't have to cook for me every single day, you know." Natsuki chuckled, going into the house for a minuet and pulling out a wad of menus. "I'll buy today, so just...figure out what you want..some places don't open for lunch yet, but if we wait on them, we'll have more options. The best part is, they deliver."

...  
(Shizuru POV)

I spent my entire week like that with Natsuki. From the first day I took her home, and then, the days after the fact, I found out many things about her. She's a hard worker, for one...very diligent, although, she does get annoyed easily if she happens to get interrupted in the middle of one of her tasks. She studies more than people realize, and believe it or not, there are some university level books that sit on her shelf in the main room...Natsuki...well, let's just say she's ahead of her time in that way.

She may not look like it, but, actually when she puts her mind into something, she becomes meticulous.

I came to find out, through small bursts of our conversations, that her mother not only left her the house, but a rather large sum of money, enough of which, that it allows her to live quite comfortably. She also gets a check from her father, or as she calls it, "Shut up money." He's been doing that for a long time. Giving her money to keep quiet about the fact that she's lived without a guardian for so long. Natsuki says she doesn't mind, and I can tell, in her own ways, she'd been lucky enough to find monumental support from many people. Although, I can also tell she resents him for not being here, she doesn't say it, but her eyes always harden when she talks about him.

She gets this cold stare, and looks off, probably glaring at his memory...still, as much as I hate the fact that he hasn't been here, Natsuki's made due well, and has had many to thank for that.

Mai's father sends over some cooked meals often, so at least she's not eating instant food all the time...he's not the only person either. There's an elderly woman a few houses down that's retired, and in Natsuki's younger years, the woman had done well to look after Natsuki, especially the first few years after her mother's passing. Now, apparently, the table has turned. There are times when Natsuki leaves the house during the day to check up on this woman, and make sure she doesn't need anything. She goes to the store for basic things, and the one time I went with her, she actually had two lists, one for herself, and one for the old woman.

Natsuki's kindness knows no bounds, I feel that within my heart.

She won't admit it though, and actually, she gets quite upset when I mention it. I've learned to keep quiet because of this...there are just some things she takes a bit too personally when I tease her about it. Things like the elderly woman, and in some cases, the relationship she has with the carrot top named Mai. They have a very obscure way of interacting, and although they both deny it, there was a short while there when I thought they were dating. Everything added up, and I guess, I simply did the math the wrong way.

Now I know they're simply friends, but it took quite a bit of convincing on Natsuki's behalf to get me to realize it. Through the week, she kept insisting that I was welcome to join her friends just to prove to me this fact, and Mai, having barged into Natsuki's house with a pot full of stew, also made the same argument. It was with reluctance that I agreed...I felt as if my heart was being pulled at, in several directions at once, and I couldn't help but feel like I was making a questionable choice at the time.

Every moment I spent with Natsuki, I felt myself growing feelings that weren't exactly innocent.

If she knew it or not, I felt elated by her casual responses. She took even my teasing, which admittedly I'd done at great lengths, in stride. Although I've begun to realize pulling back a bit is likely for the best. There were times when we'd sit and talk out on the veranda, and she would insist she was able to study and talk at the same time. I didn't quite believe it, considering how easily can can lose concentration, but I found it endearing anyway. Even the requests for me to text her when I got home safely, or the way she insisted that she buy lunch...purely because it was the least she could do for my company...things like that came easily for her...but sometimes, I wondered if she had any idea what she was doing.

That she was making me fall for her...that her actions seemed a bit more romantic than she had perhaps intended.

Either way, I complied with the request to bring Alyssa on Saturday afternoon, however, by the time I'd arrived to Natsuki's house, everyone was already there. I wanted to just stop and watch the antics, as I grasped into the wire fencing. The gate was already open, but I'm sure that only Mai and Takumi had taken that route. Nao was walking across the school roof, and how she got up there, I've no idea. Thankfully, Mai was already shouting at her to get down, and Natsuki was laughing at the fact that Nao didn't much seem to care what Mai thought.

I would have been content to just watch the event play out, but Alyssa had other plans as she ran headlong into the field.

She smiled at Natsuki, running at her with her arms wide open. Natsuki, true to form, and her basic nature, just ran her fingers through Alyssa's blond hair, taking a step backwards when they collided. "How are ya, brat?" She said, as her emerald eyes twinkled in amusement. As I stood there watching the exchange...I...I felt as if for the first time, everything would be alright. It was breathtaking, I couldn't swallow the lump in my throat as I watched the two of them horsing around, Alyssa perched on her back as they sprinted out into the field.

This was perfect, in so many ways...

"Well, fuck you too, asshole!" Well alright, perhaps it's not completely perfect...Natsuki can be a bit colorful at times, you see...especially when she's fighting with Nao.

"I really wish you would watch your words." I shout, although I doubt they're paying a bit of attention.

Still, as crass as it is at times, and it is very colorful on occasion, there's a protectiveness there. Among all of them really. Nao's mother is in the hospital, and the only reason I know that, is because she goes up there every day for a few hours, waiting for her to wake up. Natsuki doesn't think the woman ever will, but Nao...she won't give up that faint hope. Natsuki apparently stopped trying to force Nao to let go of things a long time ago.

"Hey, not my fault you can't catch a ball. You tell her squirt, she listens to you..." Nao's a bit...well, venomous at times. "Or perhaps, I should get your woman to do it...she seems to know how to shut you up."

"If you keep that up, I swear to god, I'll shove that damned football up your ass." And, now they're brawling...somebody's going to get hurt..and it will likely be Natsuki...she hasn't fully recovered. "Plus, she ain't 'my woman'. Show some respect, idiot. The kid is right there." Not that I would personally call Natsuki's treatment of others respectful, least of all with Nao around...but, I guess no one can ever truly be perfect. As Natsuki looks over at me, I can tell she's a bit flustered by Nao's off colored comments. "Ah, shit...Shizuru can hear you!"

With all of that shouting, of course I can hear, but Natsuki's probably embarrassed, so much so, to actually acknowledge anything. It's nice to see her in those ways. Flustered by the mere implication that she may care for someone. She is right though, whatever this is going on between us, so far, it's been strictly platonic.

I can tell that there's something more hidden in her eyes. Behind the anger, and subsequently, the embarrassment, there's a bit of happiness. Even after she hits Nao square in the face with the ball, having kicked it hard enough to do so, I can see there's a joy cradled someplace between them. I don't quite understand this type of behavior, I most assuredly wouldn't do such things to my friends after all. Still, the much more peaceful friend, a quiet carrot top, and her younger brother...Natsuki treats them differently too.

She trusts Mai like a sister, so much so, Mai has a level of free reign in the house. There have been times when it's been hard on Mai. Her little brother has ongoing heart problems, and Natsuki has offered her home many a night, especially when Mai's found that staying at home to be simply impossible to handle. Mai has a key to the front door, and even the passwords to Natsuki's computer. Natsuki's always fighting with Mai too, but she's nicer about it, and doesn't call the busty girl names. Natsuki tends to refrain from hitting her, although, there are times I've seen them slam doors at each other...it's quite interesting really.

As for Takumi...well, I guess I see a maternal side in there some place, although, I'm not quite sure what to make of it.

She ruffles his hair the same way that she ruffles Alyssa's...although, she's a bit more rough with him...and between her and Nao, I wonder how this poor boy can be so gentle and soft spoken...the way they treat him doesn't appear to ever be anything of the sort. He's always being tackled, or thrown around...it's playfully done, always, and in good fun, he seems to enjoy it...and I can tell those girls don't actually intend to hurt him.

"Natsuki, be careful!" Mai she's the soft one, she brings the order where there clearly isn't any. She's able to control the ruckus to some extent. "Takumi just had his stint put in, don't go getting him hurt, or my dad will murder all of us."

"We're not hurting him." Natsuki rolled her eyes. "We're just playing around...chill out."

"You're dad's gonna baby him, and then he won't grow into a real man." Nao honestly doesn't know when to quit. "Come on Squirt, you go tackle him too, so him you're tougher than he is, so that he'll man up." I can also see she'll take great joy in corrupting my daughter if I let her...my word, this is all a bit overwhelming.

Yes...on this wonderful afternoon, a picnic day between them all, I realize just how precious this group of people can be, especially for someone like Natsuki. Perhaps, in its own way, this is exactly what Alyssa needs...what Reito has that I do not. A happy place, a safe place, where our daughter can be care free...I can't give her that right now, and Natsuki's making that truth all the more apparent. On this day, when cold juice is poured freely, some of it actually poured onto Natsuki's head, or splashed in Nao's face...I realize how lacking my life is in that respect.

Random, spontaneous fun, it is indeed a gift so great, I can't exactly find the words to say how thankful I am. To have been given the chance to witness it...well, it is beyond compare. Still, even after the afternoon begins to come to a end, I see those gentle eyes glimmering with something she dare not tell anyone. I red sun cloaks the sky in hues that call for night, and that normally means people end up leaving. Mai and Takumi head off first, jogging back home, they live nearby, but their father worries about them.

Nao eventually meanders off too, but leaves only after darkness begins to settle over the playground.

It was then, when we were alone, that Natsuki surprised me with protective care I didn't realize she had in her...again, I see that side of her that tells me if kindled properly, she would become a great parent. Alyssa's eyes were already fighting sleep, her bedtime, that I normally keep strict forgotten. It's a weekend, and Reito, he's extremely relaxed about that type of thing. He'll probably laugh when she tells him she was outside so late, where I live, that just isn't possible. I don't have the luxuries of letting her stay out, and even if I did, there isn't a safe place to do so.

Natsuki probably can't see the smile on my face, she likely hasn't looked for the subtleties of my reactions. However, who wouldn't be able to smile at such soft emerald eyes, as she gazes down at someone who's only had such a look from me? Not even Reito looks at her that way...

I can see it in her eyes. A wish to protect such a person. A vow to do so. Her desires are filled with only grief, I know that. Her reasons, they aren't just because of generosity. That becomes even more clear as Natsuki begins to carry Alyssa up the steps of the veranda. "It's dangerous." She said softly. "Going down town at this time of night is asking for trouble. I'd rather you both stay here, at least until morning." She's right about that. This safe bubble has made me forget that my own home isn't any place Alyssa belongs, even if it has been her home ever since she can remember.

Once again, likely without meaning to, Natsuki affirms her status in my life, someone who is not only important, but quietly insists on becoming more.

I don't think she herself, truly understands that her actions are leading me into such a deeply seeded belief. It comes by her nature easily, although, my hammering heart is begging me to do something I know better than to try. Still, I accept her offer, and this time it's not only for her sake. It's for mine too, and my all consuming thoughts of this girl, this young woman, tell me that I need her.

And, though she does not say it, I can see it in her eyes...she needs me too.

…

"I think Nao and I tuckered Brat out." Another tiny subtly Shizuru had picked up on today. 'The brat' had ebbed into 'brat' no longer just a title outwardly. Considering Natsuki's other pet names, such as the vulgarities she called Nao, the change was good, more endearing than before. As she turned on the television, putting it on one of the children networks that ran all hours of the day and night, she nodded her head towards the kitchen, only leaving the room after covering Alyssa with a blanket that had been resting over the back of the sofa. "I didn't want to wig her out, if she woke up while we were awake." Natsuki's soft voice wafted along easily, her drone kind and gentle.

"She's becoming fond of you." Shizuru said then as she watched Natsuki put water in the microwave. "I sometimes wonder if she's getting the wrong impression."

"I dunno." Natsuki shrugged, as she put a teabag into the steaming water, handing it to Shizuru. Watching as their fingers touched, even if only briefly, she quickly averted her stare. The casual moment seemed something far deeper, and Natsuki's longing didn't stay masked for very long. "Although, if she ended up getting it from Nao, I'll kill that pain in the ass." As she said it, her words were filled with it. The love she had for her friends, it didn't seem to have an end. "I didn't do anything, did I?" That same tone was beginning to be used for Alyssa as well.

"I don't believe you intended on it." The hints hadn't gotten past Shizuru, but she felt lost.

"Honestly, I hadn't." Natsuki nodded, as Shizuru took a sit of their tea. "She's a good kid though, really. Is it a big deal?"

Shizuru sighed. She'd been wondering that same question. Shizuru knew, in part, Alyssa's attachment was totally and completely no fault of anyone. Still, she let the barest hint of her concern show. "Her father and I, we're the same age...but his partner, Tate, he's quite a bit younger. Early twenties, I believe, and they've been together now for several years. Reito met him one afternoon through a mutual friend of theirs. Tate, he managed to capture her attention the same way, once he began to show himself in her life. Once that happened, her fondness for him became like glue, and she's starting to treat you in the same manner."

"If that's what she wants." Natsuki carelessly shrugged. "It honestly doesn't bother me any."

"Even if it implies other things?" Shizuru asked then. The question was one that worried her, and a slight fear dug itself into her heart. She'd never really gotten a clear answer from Natsuki about her sexuality. She didn't exactly come off as the straightest girl in the world, but, she wasn't clearly gay either.

"What would it imply?" Natsuki's brows furrowed as she took a sip from her soda, and then her eyes widened when the reality hit her. "Oh." The word fell like a weight from her mouth, and she sighed, as if it had never occurred to her before. "So, she thinks we're..." Pointing a finger between the two of them ended the statement with solidarity, the question lingering.

"Right now, I don't believe that's the case." Shizuru didn't know how this would pan out though, continuing down this line. "However, if given time, it may become the case. The other problem is, she's only a child, and I think we both know well what might happen if something she thought would be there, suddenly disappears on her."

"I won't disappear then." Her words were a finality, although there was something else.

There was a shifting direction in the room, the air tense with it. "You're growing attached too." Shizuru said knowingly. "However, I've got to wonder just how close you want to get-"

"She could have lost you, ya know." Natsuki grumbled then, her eyes on the table as she twirled her thumbs. "Her dad's fine and she likes him, or so she says...but he isn't you. He can't take your place, no one can." As she threw the now empty bottle into the new trash bag, the one near the already full bags, she let her eyes meet Shizuru's. "Something I had to learn the hard way, is that you need other people. You do, because if you lose the only one you've got, you can't stay afloat...but that means you've gotta get close, and you may just get hurt doing it...but I've never gotten...not like that, anyway."

And just like that, the waters became murky...

They become even more so when Natsuki stood up and began putting away the dishes that were sitting on the drying rack from this morning. "It's fine, if she wants to get attached...I don't really mind." The realities were on the table, and as Shizuru stood up, she peered down at the lost look she was being given. Natsuki leaned back on the counter. It was a white knuckled grip, as if for the first time, she realized what she had been doing, and she looked as if allowing herself to do it was something horrible. "Listen, I don't want you to think that I'm leading you on, or anything."

And within the moment, Shizuru cleared the distance, her knowing eyes filled with understanding, and she leaned over the younger woman. Natsuki looked to be a deer caught in headlights, and her breath hitched. They were so close, and yet, the unspoken answer was already in the air. "I feel something for you." Shizuru said then, keeping it ambiguous for Natsuki's sake. "There's a connection there, and I know you feel the same way." Still, acting on such a feeling, it was both troublesome, and yet consuming. "But what are your intentions, what do you want me to be for you?"

"I could ask you the same thing." Natsuki's voice wavered between strength and uncertainty.

"Natsuki..." Shizuru said gently. "You're shaking."

"I've never..." She licked her lips. "I've never had to talk about this." Nao made jokes about it all the time, but even if it sounded harsh, it was all in good fun. Natsuki knew she had a shell, and she kept it tightly closed around herself, friends the nearest she'd ever gotten to anyone. Shizuru managed to shatter that by simply being around, and Natsuki's longing had caused this. It was that same wish that sparked fear within her, unknowing that she'd been seen through so easily, and now that it was out, she'd had no idea how to handle it. "Everyone just sort of knew, but even then..." Natsuki's voice trailed off, she didn't know what to say.

"Does it scare you?" This was uncharted territory, Shizuru could tell that easily enough. She was unsure however, just what the underlying issue was. "Or possibly because I'm female?" If it was only a case of Natsuki's sexuality, a breath of fresh are would easily fill into her lungs, but something told her that wasn't the case. It was something else too, something that added to the fear.

"I don't know enough about it to be scared." Natsuki sighed out a shaky breath, that much was at least the truth. "But, that's the problem...I've never...not with anyone. So, the fact that you like me, it's a bit much."

"Is that because I'm so much older than you, or is it because I'm more experienced?" She was a devastatingly beautiful woman, she knew that, and she took a level of pride that she was so often told something along those lines, many times without the words. Natsuki's eyes had even spoken such a thing in a sideways glance once or twice, when she thought she wasn't going to get caught. Shizuru never said anything about it, but she knew that was because the young woman was skittish in the first place. At first, she thought Natsuki's age played apart in it...but she wasn't brazen, not like a few of the young upstarts she'd come across down town.

Natsuki's curiosity was genuine...her interest in looking out for the safety of others had been real.

Even now, as her eyes traced Shizuru's form in question, and her hands shook as they grasped the counter top, panting breaths fell from her lips in heavy waves...Shizuru knew Natsuki's mind wasn't just in the gutter, though she was sure many of Natsuki's fears took residence in such a place as well. Still it wasn't the main hurdle. It would never be the main all encompassing concern. When Natsuki's eyes drifted into the next room, Shizuru saw something mutual...the very reason they began to have this discussion in the first place. "All of the above." Natsuki said then, pausing as she took a breath. "And her too."

"I can be hurt." Shizuru said then, she'd felt the sting of heart break many times before after all. "I'm not getting any younger Natsuki, and although, in the grand scheme of things, it may look like I have all the time in the world, I know that I don't. I have to be careful, for her sake. I can't just bring a woman home to bed...Alyssa stays with me, she sees Reito often, but I'm the one she stays with most. Reito, he had the luxury to move on, and Tate's wonderful for him." Still, she had needs too, and they had been calling her now for quite some time. "I've always been lonely, to a point. There's been no one for me, because my daughter's been my main priority...but when I'd had her, I wasn't exactly ready to be a mother. I took on the role because I expected it of myself. It was only after she was born that I really began to feel like I had to protect her."

"You can't protect her forever." Natsuki said then. "Loss is something that needs to be taught early, I never learned about it until mom. If you keep protecting her, she may end up getting hurt more."

"You're the first outsider to really care about her." Shizuru said then, letting the truth hit home. "Reito and I, we have friends she spends time with, my parents adore her, but you're the first person that worries about her openly, and you do it with the type of compassion that I never expected from a stranger."

Natsuki understood that this wasn't to be taken halfheartedly. "You can get close to me." Natsuki said then, her words hardly heard.

"Can I really?" Shizuru said then, feeling relief flood through her. Still, she wanted to give Natsuki a chance to back out of whatever was going on between them.

The pregnant pause in the room seemed to go on forever, the ticking clock on the wall almost driving Shizuru mad as she watched Natsuki hesitate for not the first time. She was scowling at something unseen, as if it were an enemy, and Shizuru was thankful that at least it wasn't her. Natsuki's fingers tapped idly on the marbled surface, her teeth worrying her bottom lip, as if she hadn't quite grasped what she wanted to say. "If it's you." Natsuki began slowly. "I might be okay with it."

"Even if I want to be something more than you've ever known?" Her fingered traced Natsuki's jawline, placing forth a not so subtle implication between them. "Bluntly speaking, I'm attracted to you, sexually and otherwise."

…  
(Natsuki POV)

Is it humanly possible to be scared out of your own mind, all the while wanting something you know flat out is a completely, totally, and superbly a bad idea...worse than a bad idea even?

Not only is this woman ten years older than me, she has an eight year old, who could quite literally be the most well behaved child I've ever met. That said, there is nothing good about what's cooking in this kitchen right about now, because it is most certainly not food...I've never been close to another woman before, never mind a woman who nearly has me pinned down like I'm some sort of prize to be had. What the hell is she thinking? Better yet, why the hell am I not trying to get away from her?

This...it's bad...really really bad.

"I know." I tell her, and with my heart hammering away like a drum, I realize just how damn guilty I feel. I know what she wants me to do, what she's waiting for but...okay, this is really freaking me out here. I could kiss her, probably a not so smart idea, considering then she will think there's something between us...but...that's not the truth, right? I mean, we're just friends. So there could be nothing really between- she's gay...I forgot about that...she's gay...I'm...well, I don't really think I actually have a type...but...dear god, she needs to back up a bit.

I knew she was gay, I knew it...but I just...

I'm going to quit while I'm ahead...much better idea. "I know you do, Shizuru...but this is just..." How can I say it? Letting her down gently isn't what I want...I don't want to tell her that I don't want to be with her...I don't want to hurt her...but that doesn't mean that I...fuck, Shizuru, you're making things so damn hard.

"How many?" That's all I can bring myself to ask...How many lovers has she had? How many of them has she taken to her bed...how many days has she thought about this? That stupid question digs me into a deeper hole here, and I know it, because she doesn't have those answers, there's no way she could. "Never mind...I don't want to know." I say quickly, so fast in fact, that I can see the worry in her eyes.

The unspoken question seems to fade as she lets her hand fall from my cheek. If she keeps standing there, waiting for me to figure things out, we'll be here all night, and I think she knows that, but I didn't expect her to just give up. To push me, I'd expect that...to implore an answer, pry one from my lips...even kissing me senseless...and even more than that...I would have expected that, I would have been able to react...but I've underestimated her...or rather, perhaps I overestimated her.

That hurts.

Not having her hand on my cheek hurts so badly, I kinda want to cry, and I think she sees that, because she's not moving. Why does it hurt like this? Why do I feel like something that I had, that was safe, is no longer safe, not warm anymore. It's cold, and I don't like this feeling...It hasn't hurt this badly since...I can't let her go. She can't leave...because if she does then...then it'll be dark and cold. She's starting to back away from me, and I know...I know that whatever I do, I can't just keep standing here. I have to do something, anything...but if I just stand here...then I'll lose her...

I can't lose her.

"Don't!"

…

Shizuru's breath caught as Natsuki grasped onto her hand, breathing heavily, the younger girl's eyes widening in both fear and acknowledgment. "I can't...do those things right now." Natsuki's voice was forced, and wavered upon each word. "I want to...but I can't." She swallowed hard, doing her best not to look away, yet even as she tried her best not to falter, she could feel her blood run cold, and the pang of what she was saying rang out into the open kitchen like a plea. "You can..." Natsuki said softly in a ragged breath, as she took the very hand that she had caught and placed it back upon her cheek. "You can...but I can't."

Shizuru closed her eyes and sighed, licking her lips. "Do you want that?" She asked, her chest feeling heavier by the second.

"I want you." Natsuki couldn't explain it any other way. "So whatever that means...just...I want you."

"This is so misguided." Shizuru said then, though she didn't dare remove her hand from the girl's cheek. "Natsuki do you realize what it is you're really asking for? There is a eight year old in the other room, and she's going to start seeing you as a continuous presence in her life, one that will become authority. Do you realize how much you may have to give up?"

"Do you realize that I've never done any of this?" Natsuki fired back, the fear very much still there. "The fact you've been hanging around me is jacked up as hell, but...you said it first...there's something here...and I just-" Natsuki didn't want to admit it, didn't dare try to explain what confused feelings were stirring around inside like a jumbled mess. "We passed misguided the day you brought me home, idiot." Natsuki sighed then, shaking her head.

"So then, I guess we have a decision to make here." Shizuru said then, pulling away from Natsuki, grabbing a chair to sit in, and looked at her, crossing one leg more in befuddled annoyance than anything else. "Do we pony up and go big, or do I go home?"

"I'm not going to have sex with you tonight." Natsuki groused, hiding her face in her hands.

"That's not what I mean, and you know it." Shizuru sighed then, before leaning forward a little bit. "Do you want to test the waters?"

"Hell if I know." Natsuki shrugged tensely. "Last I recalled we both fell off the damn boat about a week back, or did I miss something?"

Shizuru just shook her head. "Natsuki..." She said with a small little smile trying her best not to burst out laughing. "Just come here and kiss me already."

"Huh?" Natsuki's expression was simply dumbfounded as she looked at Shizuru's calm, yet catlike demeanor. "Um...Shizuru...I...Um-" She looked to the floor, and then at her hands before returning her gaze back to the woman in front of her. "I've never done that before." Natsuki muttered then, glaring daggers into the ground, her face as red as it could be.

Shizuru watched on as Natsuki's deep breathing and nervous fingertips seemed to constrict tightly around her, as if she was sheltering herself from a backlash of some sort. Shame clouded those orbs like a cloak, her cheeks painted a story more powerful than her words, and Shizuru, without much else she could do, simply sighed as she eased herself a little closer to the young woman.

"Natsuki?" Her voice was a gentle as she could make it, nearly only a whispered breath. This girl was frightened of her touch, pulled away from it more often than not. Yet, like addiction that needed to be satiated, Natsuki continued to play with the fire she ought never to touch. As if she was trying desperately to get her fix. "Natsuki, it's alright."

Shizuru remembered what Natsuki had said then, about not being able to allow herself to let go of her fears. It was something that confused Shizuru, but even more than that, it lit a fire of determination in her. Natsuki really was new at this, the fear of rejection, of being hurt and pushed away swirled within her eyes. That was why she was looking at the floor, she didn't want anyone to see that gaze. Slowly she took Natsuki's hand in hers, and she made sure she didn't waver as she pulled Natsuki to come near her. Natsuki staggered a bit, but followed obediently, peeking up only briefly to catch Shizuru's eyes.

Then Shizuru had her trapped, and she couldn't look away. "You need to calm down." Shizuru's voice was kept even, she knew the girl's heart was racing, and her mind was doing dastardly deeds inwardly. "I know you're new at this. I get it, Natsuki, you don't have to hide from me." So many things had been playing in Natsuki's head, and none of them were good. She sighed then, licking her lips as she watched those emerald eyes flicker between hints of lust, and quaking uncertainty. "Do you want me to kiss you?"

"Yes." Natsuki breathed then, unable to say anything else.

"Alright." Shizuru was not quite so new at showing her affections, but as she carefully cupped Natsuki's cheek, she felt the girl shutter under her touch. It made her realize how venerable Natsuki was, just how much she contained herself. It was as if the mere caress shattered the shell, and glistening emerald eyes sparkled in slight fear, if not in awe. gently, she licked her lips, and she could see that Natsuki did the same, the tip of her tongue lending moisture to velvety lips. Slowly, so not to startle her, Shizuru pressed the most innocent of kisses upon Natsuki's lips, being sure not to linger for longer than necessary so that she could look into the eyes of Natsuki once more. "How was that?"  
  
It was hardly a murmur, and Natsuki was speachless as the pads of her fingers fell over her lips, as if, she was trying to comprened what had just gone on between them. Natsuki nodded slowly, but it was clear she hadn't any idea what what had just gone on, and her quaking breath was not nearly enough. "That's..." Natsuki gulped, as she tried to process things in her mind. "That's not how you normally kiss people."

"You want me to kiss you that way?" Shizuru couldn't help the way her voice lowered then in a seductive coo, this was just too cute...but it was also dangerously alluring.

"Kiss me, like you want to kiss me...I...I'll be okay with it, Shizuru." Natsuki struggled to control her own voice, the worry lingered there, surely.

"Diving into the deep end, are we?" Shizuru asked with a raised eyebrow, watching as Natsuki blushed and looked to the floor. "Don't do that..." Shizuru cough that blushing face and let her thumb trail over over Natsuki's burning cheek. _"_ It might feel weird at first, some girls really don't like it at all." Shizuru though, she loved it, when it was soft and slow. _"_ Tilt your head, just a little bit more." She leaned in then, as she used her thumb to part awaiting lips, letting her tongue slip in, dipping to taste this young woman for the first time.

Shizuru knew then...she could get drunk off of a kiss as intoxicating as this.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Edge of Loneliness, Part 3.**

"She said she'll be coming later on, after she finishes her homework." Shizuru said as she closed her [cell phone](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8750944/3/Edge-of-Loneliness) and placed it neatly upon the table. "She's never actually come up before, so I'm not sure what her reaction will be." Her home wasn't like Natsuki's. It wasn't warm, nor could she say it was inviting. A solitary income really couldn't buy much. She sighed, shaking her head as she sipped on her coffee.

"This will be interesting." Reito nodded, knowing well this was likely the last place anyone would expect. "Perhaps I should take Alyssa to her dance class, if you're going to be busy."

Shizuru nodded, and thanked him for getting the quite implication in her words. Though, when they sat quietly, and heard for themselves the sounds of nothingness, Shizuru's mind felt frazzled. "This is her life, every day." She said, a mere whisper, she dare not disturb the eerie peacefulness that being alone brought, looming over the two of them. "And when she's alone like that, and that's all she can hear...sit around like that for a single day, and then, imagine her doing it for years...Reito, she's so different from anyone that I've ever met."

"I know." He said then softly, putting his hand on hers. "I get that much, but is she really the type of girl who can become what you need?" She was a strong woman...too strong after Alyssa was born. He could remember the first two years, struggling between his sexuality and being the father that he thought his child should have. They both tried to stay faithful, and as friends they were utterly devoted to the other, but as lovers, they clashed..fighting every night, trying to [force](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8750944/3/Edge-of-Loneliness) themselves to do things that, when the truth came out, spiraling out of control, they realized that it just wouldn't work. "I've never seen you get this unglued about anyone, and so impulsive."

Reito could be the fun loving father, the man his little girl could rely on for a few laughs, and ice cream after a bad day. Shizuru was the support, the provider Reito could never be. He was calm, relaxed about nearly everything, and his come what may attitude sometimes failed to notice the tiniest details, the ones Alyssa didn't say. Shizuru understood them, and with with her solid views and her gentle guiding hands, she was an absolutely wonderful mother. "I just want you to find happiness, but this girl, she has a life that could probably take her places...places you decided you would never go."

"She doesn't know what she wants to be yet." Shizuru said with a smile. "I don't even think she knows what type of university she'd like to attend, she's so worried about passing her final year in high school." Just talking about Natsuki made her feel whole, happy, and completed. "She's a bit rough, and I know that. It's obvious to everyone that kissing her last night was a horrendously bad idea...but, with that same notion, this really isn't any different than you and I. We both knew it was wrong, that it wouldn't work, but, even knowing all the risks, we still had a child together..." Shizuru shook her head. "We knew what we were doing, as insane as it was."

By mere definition, that's exactly what the two of them were. The very idea of insanity, of expecting a different outcome after repeating the process several times. The first time they had sex, they could have, and quite literally should have shrugged it off. They didn't, having had sex several times after that, countless actually, all the while sleeping with people in the closet. They knew it was self destructive, but as long as they both had the mask of a straight couple, they thought they would be okay. "I know." Reito said as he took a sip of the tea that sat before him. "But everything comes with a price, Shizuru, and she may not be able to pay it. She's young, and from what it sounds like, very frightened of all of this."

"She is, very much so." Shizuru sighed as she pulled away, standing up to look outside of the dirty window of her kitchen. All she could see down below was an ally, and trash...occasionally a stray dog would go wandering by...there was no romance to this type of life. Movies would play on a big screen, with blues and jazz, making this life call out for any woman with a soulful spirit. The reality wasn't so pretty. The cool jazz was only a background for sirens...the blues were tearful, mournful, cries of things that were lost. "But so am I." She grew up in this lifestyle, of living paycheck to paycheck...it was all she knew.

Her eyes saw little more than a flashing stage as she was growing up, and those women were paid well, but at what cost? The costumes they dressed in were skimpy, breasts pushed up, butts firmly toned, sporting the next lacy thing. Feathery outfits, luxurious glimmering attire...and even men, covered in stage makeup, and dark colored clothes making inappropriate jokes and innuendos, all with the help of some simplistic prop. There were gags, dancing, teasing adult entertainment for both men and women in mind...couples would come to see her mother perform on stage, and Shizuru was forced to know the joys, and the sadness of such a life.

Her very conception alone, well, she was a surprise...her mother slept around.

She grew up like that, and her mother's bed squeaked at night. The windows were often smashed by little hoodlums, and heaters in the apartment they lived in sometimes never worked. Shizuru, she knew that she would never be just like her mother, and yet, that very same woman that had walked such a path was now the owner of what used to be that old, run down, dirty burlesque house. She made it into something great, and married a wonderful gentleman, one of the men who played several roles for their comic routines...Shizuru grew up in that inappropriately designed world...so, really, as much as she would make people blush with her idea of humor, the joke was really on her...

And she knew it...Natsuki, without really meaning to, had become her punchline.

That truth, among many others, seemed to make the dull pang of past regrets ring in her ears. "She is wonderful...and if given a few years more to really find her feet, once she learns to stand up completely...she may leave me one day, and I know that." Natsuki, she was innocent for the time being. Even the kiss that they shared last night, the mere idea had made Natsuki's face color red. When their lips touched, Shizuru could feel the warring emotions of a young woman, one experiencing love for the first time. "You know Reito, I can't remember the last night I had so much fun...and it was just some innocent kissing, that's it."

"I at least hope there was some tongue involved." Reito said with a raised eyebrow, trying to grasp onto that little imploring detail.

"Not at all." Shizuru said then, turning to look at her dearest friend, her lips pulling into a smile. "And that was the best part."

…  
(Shizuru POV)

Where I come from, women are pretty loose. In my neighborhood, the street walkers are sometimes out in force, and it's not uncommon to see some very beautiful women pressed into the side of a building by some very strong, and often times, horny men. Even while these...people...are fully clothed, there's no question what's going on underneath the hiked up skirt or dress...I'll chance a guess that these woman forget their panties at home intentionally. Whatever they wish to do I guess, it's not my life to live, so if they want to get off right in the middle of a busy street, more power to them.

I'm not...like that.

I live in an area that screams of being...well, there are words for a woman like that...but I'm not. If a man were to do what I did in my younger years, he would be pat on the back, and given a party by his friends. Sex is an interesting thing to really think about. The idea of procreation isn't nearly as simple as it should be. It isn't clear cut. People kill for sex, they kill for the act of creating a life...purely because the act in and of itself feels good. The way I've grown up, you have to think about such things...if you don't, you'll find yourself to be undereducated when it really counts. My mother was, and will forever be an increasingly smart woman, who just happens to crave the more...baser desires, shall we say.

I don't crave that.

There's something very empty in the actual act of sex, that many can overlook entirely...but I'm not that type of woman. I can act like a robot easily, and lets be honest, people slip up. I'm no saint, I don't try to be.

Really though, when you toss the morals aside, it's no worse than smoking, or drinking, or any other innately bad habit...that's the way you must look at life, to a degree. You must learn to question what is ultimately correct, or in many cases, incorrect, as apart of learning. I've always firmly believed in such a thing, and I have never once met anyone in my life who dares to question such a thing.

That is...until Natsuki came along.

She's incredibly smart in so many ways. She's had the luxury to have a safe rural lifestyle that builds up a strong sense of morality...one that inner city life, for the most part, just can't give you. Growing up, you start to become immune to guns, and violence...cheating on a lover, or the horrid things on television, they mingle into a very grotesque pool...

It's not that rural children don't face the same things, because they very much do...but how the public handles the outcry...now that is very different...the adults in such an area, at least on a grand scale are different...and thus, so are the children.

The community in and of itself, is a very different type of structure.

That's why Natsuki is so interesting an individual. She has a strong sense of moral code that just can't come from an inner city perspective. Although, I would not say, that Natsuki is strictly a rural person. It's likely the fact that she's had a less than proper upbringing, that she can walk into such dangerous neighborhoods and not seem phased in the slightest when held at gunpoint, which she's claimed has happened more than a few times. She seems to have no qualms at all about the less than savory acts she sees when in such a place...I know this because she makes a habit of wandering around late at night with Nao.

What the two of them do together, I have no idea...and Natsuki refuses to tell me.

Still, the very fact of Natsuki's speech and actions alone are very interesting things. She's so different from anyone I've ever met because of that. You know, I have an aunt who actually teaches a woman's studies class in a university...she's the one in the family who actually made something great of herself, and I often have these types of debates with her. Still, as much as we've talked about this type of thing, I've never, in a million years, thought I would ever meet such a person...but Natsuki, she's the exact thing my aunt talks about when she speaks of a strong, self assured woman, that stands against the odds.

This brings me back around to the act of sex.

Natsuki isn't exactly stunted in such an area, she's smoking sexy, and her figure is just beautiful...but, she is reserved. Perhaps it's because I'm more of an intimidation than I first thought? I'm not sure, regardless, Natsuki's way of seeing the world, and building relationships is an obscurity at best. I learned that when her lips touched mine...I realized how frightened she was...but not of me. It was as if the fear was something behind our backs, something we could not see. Possibly my past, or perhaps our future...I don't know...but the venerability was something I could not ignore.

Natsuki comes off strong, even stronger than myself.

Still, her kiss told me otherwise. I was assured in the way I pulled her close to me, the way our breaths mingled, it told me a lot of things that I've never actually seen in eyes so young. _"Don't hurt me."_ That's what they said, a plea...and I knew she wasn't afraid that I'd abuse her...she was afraid I'd leave her...that I would shatter whatever walls she had into a mess of nothingness. There aren't many women who give me that type of stare, especially not when I'm that close, ready to give something to them...

No, normally, I receive expectant eyes, as if I'll give them something...but they should know that I won't.

Still, Natsuki has never been the person who fits a mold.

There was indeed 'tongue', as Reito oh so elegantly put it...but not the kind he was thinking of...as if Natsuki and I had fallen from the brink of desire into the pit of burning need. If I would have answered his question in an affirmative nod, the meaning of such a kiss would have been lost. Natsuki was...trembling in my arms...we kissed many times with our lips closed, I held her in my arms, for countless moments, and she began to warm up to the feeling that seemed so unknown to her.

But then, Natsuki, she wanted something more.

" _That's not how you normally kiss people."_ She'd told me knowingly. She knew I was holding back, for her sake. _"Kiss me, like you want to kiss me...I...I'll be okay with it, Shizuru."_ She was nervous...so much in fact, that her voice shook as she'd said that...but she wanted it too, I could tell. Natsuki would not have made such a request, if it hadn't been something she truly wanted to experience.

I realized as unglued as I was, I knew these paths.

I've played with women, coaxed from them the deepest urges. I've tastes the essence on my tongue, tantalizing them until I've brought them into a dance roaring with passion that consumes us. I've held women in my arms as they've cried out, screams tearing through them like an inferno...liquid heat dripping from their core, my fingers doing wicked deeds...as they, as far gone as they were, begged for more.

I've been splayed out on a bed, breathless, trying my best to get myself to stop shaking from the pleasure that was both painfully hard to take, and sickeningly erotic...so tender, so over done, that even the most gentle of touch scorches me...I've been the one tied to a bed, urging these women along as they teased me until I couldn't take it, begging them to finish me off. I realized, I know how to do that.

I also know that feeling...that new feeling...when you don't know how to act...what to say or do. I know what it's like to be that scared little virgin, experiencing every new touch for the first time, the nervousness, the questions...things that bubble up within you the first time you feel wetness pooling, arousal starting...the humiliating feeling of knowing it should happen, but wondering if you're somehow flawed, or not good enough, wet enough...tight enough...for your lover...as if there are others who are better than you.

The fear that you'll be rejected for such things...that you may end up doing something wrong.

I was so terrified the first time I felt the need in the pit my belly, knowing that I wasn't going to quell it, and the person kissing me, was three years older than I was. A friend, and a devastatingly beautiful woman. Her Name was Anh...we'd been dating for several months, but, the night that we made love she was gentle with me. I remember tears slipping down my cheeks when she began wrapping her arms around my thighs, supporting me, as her tongue entered me...drawing sounds that I'd never made in my life. I felt so safe with her, so protected, and I didn't want it to end...

but it did...

Then, after my secret, and very well hidden relationship that confirmed what I feared most, I came out to my parents, who told me it was just a passing phase. I believed them...I wanted to believe them...My mother told me that it was alright to appreciate the sight of a beautiful woman, to feel something for a woman, but that a man would be better. That the joys of having a man, went beyond having a woman. She told be that she loved me, but that she thought I was acting with rash ideals...

So, I began to date Reito.

I felt new then too, especially since I'd never slept with a man before. There were things we did together that we aren't exactly proud of. We had problems at first...so to speak. I was afraid to sleep with a man, being the fact that the only thing I'd ever experienced up until that point was soft and supple, wet and gentle...and Reito was a man, strong, robust...and, Reito is, well, lets just call him gifted...but I didn't wanted gifted. I didn't want a man. I didn't want to be filled his seed, I didn't want to feel his pulsing member inside of me...

And, to add rather firm insult to this injury...he didn't want to be in me either.

It was so...different than we thought it would be...but still we kept up the act, because it was all we could do...giving a relationship an honest try...and we did...but I could never be with Reito...and women that I had been with afterward, I could never be with them either...not as a lover...I didn't feel a spark, or giddy, fearful...I just felt the urge to take them, and see what they could do. I wanted them to arch into my touch, I wanted to feel the scratching of nails down my back, teeth biting into my flesh, as I made shuttering sighs fall from their panting lips.

That's what I wanted out of those girls.

But, what I really wanted, was that new feeling to come back. That hesitant, unglued feeling...one that for me, that feeling, it never really goes away...not when I feel something...not when love is the cause of that pooling need that I've now become accustom with...and I do love her...so very much. I realized it, when her eyes looked into mine, waiting for me...waiting for a rejection I just couldn't give her.

But I felt lost too.

That night I felt like if I kissed Natsuki the way she wanted to be kissed, those feelings with go into overdrive for both of us, and the last thing I wanted to do was take her to bed. _"It might feel weird at first, some girls really don't like it at all."_ I was absentmindedly speaking, for both of our sakes. Still, with the same hand that cupped her cheek, I let my thumb slide across her lower lip. _"Tilt your head, just a little bit more."_ I'd told with guidance. She followed my instructions, a then, I leaned in, letting my tongue slip between her lips, dipping to taste her, the sweetness of her soda lingering on the tip of her tongue that hesitantly touched mine.

Tame...she will be a very skittish lover at first.

That kiss told me everything, and even as we parted, her eyes shimmering with confusion and wishes I dare not speak of, I realized I will have to take my time with her. She is brazen, and will ask of me what she wishes, so I feel, if I nurture this passion that I see, as fearful as it is, one day she will become a tigress. One day, she will own me, and consume me the way I want her to do. One day that cute blush, embarrassment about the simplest thing, will be reddened hues of breathlessness...but that, I realize, will come later.

How much later, I do not know...

For now though, her requests, they're cute, sinful perhaps...but I will grant her wishes...I will be the lover that will show her the ropes, teach her the joys of a woman...and for that, if nothing else...perhaps she'll stay. Natsuki will likely be the one that doesn't leave my side...so when that night comes, when our bodies are both bare, and she quivers with feelings she can't seem to control, I will comfort her. When that night comes, she will sleep in my bed...but unlike others who have hurt me, or the ones I've hurt in return...she will stay.

And when the sun rises, she will still be in my bed...at least, that's what I hope.

Still, that night is a long way off...and that's a comfort for the both of us...if nothing else.

…

"Complete piece of shit." Natsuki grumbled with her head under the sink.

"I'm getting the distinct impression that you've bitten off more than you can chew." Shizuru said then as she watched Natsuki's hand reach out from under the sink to get a new wrench.

"It's got nothing to do with that." Natsuki said then as she peaked out from where she had been laying. "This damned pipe is just a pain in the ass, that's all." With that, she put her head back into the cupboard and her tinkering around continued. "You can't keep staying here...this place isn't good for Brat." Natsuki said as she looked at the dripping pipe. She was downright horrible with housework if it involved cleaning, and she never dared to turn on her stove...but even so, she was handy when it came to other things. She may not have been the best plumber, but given a few hours and a book about the task at hand, and she could figure out the easiest way to sloppily fix the job...and a leaky pipe wasn't all that hard. "I mean really, you should move out before this entire place falls apart."

"I doubt it'll get that bad." Shizuru said then, although she did agree entirely.

"You're delirious." Natsuki growled, before grabbing the last ditch resort. A thick tube of calking. "And this pipe is as good as screwed." Natsuki was annoyed at everything she'd seen today. She couldn't believe Shizuru lived in a place like this. "You have cold spots drafting from the windows, exposed brick, falling apart dry wall, and now, leaking pipes! What's next, the heater blows? Who ever owns this place is probably breaking a few rules."

"Natsuki..." Shizuru felt venerable, hearing everything she'd known about made it sound so much worse. She continued to look at Natsuki, who was drying off her hair as best as she could, and she realized those emerald orbs were looking at her with some measure of pity. "I know this isn't the best place for Alyssa, but there isn't any place I can take her. This is all I've got, so we've had to make due."

Natsuki shook her head, she didn't believe what she was being told, but, she didn't have much else she could say about it. "That's just a patch job. If I were you, I'd have someone come look at it. It would, by the way, be preferable that it was someone who knows what they're doing."

"If I did that, I wouldn't have an excuse to call you, now would I?" Shizuru purred a bit, smiling as she watched Natsuki's face turn sightly pink.

"That's just stupid. You don't need an excuse." Natsuki mumbled under her breath. "Just pick up the phone and call like you always do...I'll come over whenever you want, ya know."

And, just like that, Shizuru found herself breathless again.

"Even better yet, just move in with me." The casual remark was refreshing, and Natsuki's tone didn't imply the expected. It surprised Shizuru, always without fail. Natsuki's words truthful and without the laced sensuality that most would have expected. No, Natsuki was just flustered, and, lacking eloquence. With Natsuki things were so easy, and yet, at the same time, so very difficult. The girl was unreadable at times like this, when the blush heating her cheeks seemed to be meaningful. "I can...protect you that way. You can stay, and, we can just be happy." Her words done with purpose. Yet, even if that was how things appeared, Shizuru knew that Natsuki's invitations were done with hesitancy towards the unknown.

Her kisses were as innocent as they could be, and as she stood up, trying her best to affirm her statement with her intended actions, inwardly Natsuki was begging to have the burden taken off of her. She wished, as she tapped her lips to Shizuru's in a very quick, soft peck, that she didn't fear these new feelings so much...but it was new, each day her heart hammered, trying to understand where one beat ended and another began. Never before in her life, had she let someone casually touch her face, cup her cheek, and own her...Natsuki had never let such a thing happen before, and yet with this woman, it seemed natural to do so.

She only wished it seemed natural to begin such contact herself...to be the one to start it.

But her actions were forced, the confusion she always felt won over, the uncertainty of her actions booming. "Must we do this every time?" Shizuru whispered heatedly, with a softness of understanding, as she pulled Natsuki back into an embrace. The young woman straddled her lap as their lips met, Shizuru's fingers tangling themselves in midnight tresses. "You don't have to be afraid." The soft murmur in Natsuki's ear a seductive coo, one Shizuru herself hadn't known she'd have within her.

"Yes I do..." Natsuki said then, as she grasped into the cloth of Shizuru's shirt. "I don't know what to do, about any of it...of you, or Alyssa, or this fucking apartment. I don't know what I can do."

Shizuru closed her eyes and shook her head softly. "Just trust me, Natsuki...and I promise you, everything will fix itself soon enough."

"I can't wait for that." Natsuki sighed as she rested her head on Shizuru's shoulder...she was always warm, even now. "Waiting never solves anything...it just gives more time for gaining something...or in some cases, losing something...but it can't never be a solution."

…  
(Natsuki's POV)

When can things that you thought were the end all, really be the of the road?

I dunno...I don't think I ever will. I never thought I'd let myself be with anyone...like I am with Shizuru. I'm scared...I don't know why I feel like I can admit that...I'm not really one to say something like that, and never in my life as a show of weakness...but, Shizuru scares me. The thought of losing her, it makes me hurt. The understanding that she lives in this cold place every night, I don't like it...I don't like showing that side of myself. I don't really want people to know what I'm thinking, or worrying about...

I didn't want to be a burden to anybody when I was growing up...and I sure as hell don't want to be one now.

Everyone looked at me with sadness, or pity...the kids used to laugh because I felt really awkward...they knew I had a dad, but he never came around for parents day...my mom wasn't here anymore, wasn't alive, so she couldn't be around. I learned to accept loneliness. You know, Mai used to complain all the time about feeling lost, or not knowing what to do. Her brother made her cry every time he got sick, and there were so many nights I saw her laying on my sofa, curled up into the smallest ball she could make herself into...just crying...she does that...or rather, she can do that in front of people.

I can't...I'm not good at it.

I don't know how to cry like that in front of others...I always had to be the tough one, because I had a good figure and everyone said I should be a model, or that I was sexy...I didn't want that. I didn't want to be in the spotlight, or have everyone looking at me, so I just made a wall. I made myself as manlike as I could, as far as my emotions went. I shrugged off things that made me want to smile, I learned to scare away the boys that told me I was pretty...the truth was, it was embarrassing...I didn't like that...I didn't want them to say that...to take notice.

If mom was still around, I might have been different...I don't know...and there no point to worry about that...so I don't.

I had to figure everything out on my own...and it wasn't always easy. Trying for example, to get a tampon to work, when all you have is this little piece of cardboard telling you what to do...yeah, doesn't work very well at first...I used only pads for a long time in my life, just because I was unsure about what toxic shock was...and lets face it...I didn't go blabbering about my personal stuff to Mai...and Nao was pretty much in the same boat...though, she was more comfortable at learning things like that...figuring out how to shave my legs without razor burn...that was another fun debacle...pimples...oh, and lets not forget the time you actually take notice of others.

I took notice of Mai one day when she happened to be taking a shower...I never really paid attention before...but we were both going to be late for school, so we figured we'd get ready at the same time. It wasn't like I had never seen her before...she was always prancing around in her bra and panties. We went shopping all the time together for that stuff...so, I guess I just never knew a few bits of cloth would make all that much of a difference...needless to say after that, I had to buy an entirely new tube of toothpaste, and I avoided being around Mai for a solid month if I was by myself.

But just because I didn't say it...just because I didn't show that side of myself...it doesn't mean it's not there.

I wanted someone to discover it. To find it deep within me. Just because I don't cry in front of other people, it doesn't mean that I don't feel like I might sometimes. Just because I may shrug something off, doesn't mean that I'm not thinking about it...just because I shout at Nao, or Mai...that I fight with them all the time...it doesn't mean that sometimes I don't want to fight...sometimes I just want to hide, or be held...I want to be that person that my pride doesn't let me be.

But, Shizuru has never let my pride take over.

She teases me, taunts me, flirts...she gets close...and then, she makes me reach for her...she treats me gently. I've never been treated that way...but she treasures me. It's all a lot to handle. I don't think I'll ever really know how to deal with it. When she kisses me, I don't want her to stop, but, it's like...if she keeps going, what might happen? What might I end up doing? And will she hate me for it? or...would I hate her? Will I actually like what she does to me, or will it just hurt? Will I turn out hating it? I'm not really very romantic...I don't think about sweeping her off her feet...even if I did, that's just not me.

I'm not like that...I don't think about ways to get Shizuru to like me even more than she already does...I don't want to fantasize about her, or objectify her...I want her to be happy with me, because it's me...not because of...well, stuff...that we may or may not end up doing. I think about it sometimes...not like...not with Shizuru or anything...but like in general...I've seen a few things, watched a few movies...but I never really got...well, turned on. I just didn't, because romance movies are stupid anyway, and it's not like that in real life...that kind of thing...I'm sure it isn't real...so I don't let myself think that it is...even the scenes with sex in it...although, I don't really know because I've never done it...I guess I always figured one day, I'd find out for myself anyway.

I just want her by my side.

Whatever I have to do for her, I'll try to do it...so that she'll be happy. If she's happy, she'll stay...and I won't have to be alone anymore...I'll have people around, all the time. I can protect Alyssa...that poor girl...and I can..I can have Shizuru to myself. Shizuru can stay with me, and..as selfish as that is, I want that. I want her...and everything that comes with her...the burdens, the joys...I want that...

I don't even know all it is that I want...only that I do...I want her to come home with me...come home, and stay home...I don't want her in this cold place anymore. I don't want Alyssa to be cold like I was...to be afraid like I was...I don't want her to hide under the covers every night, wondering if her mom will be there when she wakes up...I don't want her to be afraid to go outside...I don't want her to suffer...I don't want her to be like me...end up...like me.

But most of all, I don't want to lose Shizuru. That means I've got to protect her...for my sake, as well as Alyssa's.

I wonder when the end of a struggle is the start of a new hope...I wonder where one ending is actually the end, and the beginning is simply a step forward. I don't think I'll ever know...but if Shizuru's here, I don't have to know...it'll be okay if I don't...if it's her...I'm alright with never knowing.


	4. Chapter 4

**Edge of Loneliness, Part 4**

"Don't be such a jackass." Natsuki growled as she sat outside of the elementary school, her bike in a nearby parking spot. "I keep telling you, it's not like that." Her mind was more focused on the side car she had attached. She never though she would do something like that, in fact, she had to admit, she felt as if it looked out of place. "Is it just me, or does it look like my bike looks like it belongs to an old granny?"

"Don't change the subject." Nao said then as she took her lighter out of her back pocket, fiddling with the flame.

"I'm not changing the subject." Natsuki grumbled lowly. "It's an honest question...I mean look at it, I'd be expecting some wrinkly old man driving this thing, not me." Natsuki shook her had, not liking it at all. "My poor bike."

"Having a woman around the house changes things." It had changed a lot actually, and Nao wasn't sure about if she quite liked what it had done to change Natsuki. Sure some things had changed for the better, Natsuki's over all attitude being one of them. "So, hows it been in lovers lane?" Still, there were other things that irked Nao.

"Excuse me?" Natsuki eyes glowered at Nao, her bike forgotten.

"You poor sap." Nao cackled for not the first time since they'd been leaning, or in Nao's case, sitting on the brick wall that boarded the elementary school. "You still haven't gotten laid yet, have you?"

"Last I heard, you're still a virgin too, so shut up...idiot." Natsuki grumbled as she smacked her friend in the arm. "Besides, we both decided we would be roommates...we never agreed on anything else. She goes into her room every night, I go into mine. Nothing goes on between us." In fact, this was the second week of actually living together, and they had just finished painting Alyssa's room. Shizuru was back at the house with Reito finishing everything up.

"And that doesn't bug you?" Nao asked then, playing with the lighter that she had in her hand. "Not even a little?"

"Not particularly." Natsuki said then slowly, looking at her watch. "I like just having people around again...I missed that." The bell would ring soon, and she was thankful for that because Nao was becoming a [pest](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8750944/4/Edge-of-Loneliness) quickly. "I get to watch people actually walk inside of the front door, and they don't have other places to be after that...we sit down, have dinner...it really is the way it should be."

"It sounds to me like you're simply playing house." Nao sighed, shaking her head then. "People do that at like six, not eighteen."

"I don't think we're playing anything." Natsuki's eyes scanned the area, but she knew it was pointless. Nao was onto something like a blood hound after a duck. "In fact, I think life is pretty good the way it is right."

"What about your woman?" Her constant digging around in Natsuki's personal life was not only a form of entertainment, it was her way to keep tabs on the world around her. "She's gotta be going crazy." Though, if Nao was being honest, as rarely as it happened, she knew Natsuki needed a little goading in the right direction. "She's probably staying up late every night, wondering when you'll take things to the next level."

"I don't think she is." Natsuki urged the time to tick by faster, but to no avail. "Shizuru's happy to just take things slow. This is a big change for her as well. She's just trying to get used to actually being able to let Alyssa outside to play. It seems like everything is going good though...but, she's not really into rushing into anything either, and that's cool with me."

"Are you sure she's really okay with it?" Nao's smirk told all, she delighted in gossip, and imparting her prying vulgarity...especially if she thought it would help her friends. "I mean, the two of you have talked about getting in the sack, right? Like, without you beating around the bush and acting like an idiot?" Natsuki's hear was like the flickering of the flame was was watching from the lighter.

Nao knew that without something to cause the flame, without the momentum behind an action, Natsuki would stay idle like the mutt that she was. If she could poke at her friend in the right way, and there was something there, a meaningful feeling within Natsuki actions, and all that she'd done...Natsuki, true to her self, would become just like that raging fire. The woman was called an ice queen around the high school campus...but everyone knew the truth. Natsuki Kuga was like a wildfire waiting to happen, especially if she was in a fistfight.

"You need to really talk to her, or you'll royally fuck everything up." Nao knew, that if Natsuki's heart was as passionate about Shizuru as it was about punching boys at school in the face, then all she needed was to be provoked aggressively. Natsuki, she could take it from there.

"Well...no, we haven't talked...but, Nao, we're fine." Natsuki took away the lighter, closing it and putting it in her packet. "Shizuru and I, things are going really well right now, and we're happy as it is...so there isn't anything to worry about." Natsuki was saved by the school bell, and within minuets, children came rushing out, Alyssa in the middle of the pack. "Anyway, I see Brat now, so you're either going to have to hitch a ride on the back of my bike with me, or find your own way around town."

"I'll leave you and the kid alone." Nao said, turning and waving goodbye. "Just do the world a favor and talk to your girlfriend soon, would ya?"

"Go away, Nao." Natsuki growled before jogging over to meet the young blond, a small helmet already in her hands. It was pink, and had glitter all over it. "Hey Brat." Natsuki said coming up from behind the young girl.

"Natsuki!" Alyssa's exuberance was always full throttle whenever she happened to see, especially if the young woman was in her biking leathers. "What are you doing here?"

Natsuki, true to her normal greeting, tousled the blond tresses as Alyssa clung onto her. "Your mom wants you to hitch a ride with me today, your dad's back at the house." She handed the little girl her helmet and showing her where Natsuki had her bike parked. "We finished your room early this morning, and now that the walls are dry enough, they're setting everything up."

"Does that mean I can start living with mom all the time again?" Her baby blue eyes widened in excitement when Natsuki nodded.

"What?" Natsuki chuckled then. "Don't like living with your dad and Tate?"

"Papa always burns the food." Alyssa said then, in reference to the golden haired man. "Dad's really fun...he thinks up all sorts of cool things to do, but..." The little girl trailed off, shaking her head. "Don't worry about me, I'm okay."

"He's just not the same as having your mom around, is he?" Natsuki simply tousled Alyssa's hair when the little girl nodded. Making sure everything was in place as it should be, Natsuki put on her own helmet, thinking about all that she had come to learn about Alyssa. She was sometimes shy, she had a way of hiding behind people, especially if Nao happened to be around. The little girl was clingy, and adored her parents, but it was clear, Shizuru was the star in the family...the parent that could do no wrong in the eyes of a child.

As the engine roared to life, Natsuki had to remind herself not to go tearing through the street like a bat out of hell, although, that's what she wanted to do most of all. Instead, she let her mind carry her, as she often did while she drove. Normally, it was about things she still had to do, or, why she was upset, or angry about something. Right now though, her mind just fell back into memories of her youth, the fondness that was no longer there.

It wasn't all that long ago, upon reflection, that Natsuki felt the same for her mother...and Natsuki knew that she had at one point idolized everything about the women left only in picture frames, or tall tales the elderly woman down the street would tell her. Natsuki grew up, and subsequently out of the hero worship, but, at Alyssa's age, it was still very much a strong part of her, an all consuming part. _"And why shouldn't it be?"_ Natsuki thought, knowing well at that age, every little girl needed a woman in their lives...Natsuki knew you could very well make due without one, but to have one...well, that was something special, and also very precious.

Perhaps, in the same manner, as it was to actually have a child.

Natsuki was beginning to pick up on that too...the titles of their very obscure, and often times questionable parenting methods. That pattern was not only becoming glaringly obvious, it was clear Natsuki had also begun to make her own role, her own place among all of the adults in Alyssa life. Reito, he was the true father in her life, and everyone made note of it. She would call him 'dad, or 'daddy' if Alyssa wanted something, or purely if she hadn't seen him in a while. He was charismatic, charming, a nice man, and fairly levelheaded. Still, Shizuru was right, if he was forced to be a single father, he would have gotten lost along the way years ago. Natsuki really didn't mind him either way. Some days he was a pest, and his closeness to Shizuru was occasionally startling, but, Natsuki could tell, the bond between Reito and Shizuru was the bond of having created life, and even if they were simply platonic now, that bond would never be broken.

For the most part Natsuki shrugged that part off.

Tate, well, he was called 'papa'. He was also an annoyance. There were many times he would flounder around, making a total and complete idiot of himself. He had a fiery personality and went on the defensive at a moment's notice. Alyssa tormented him, as did Reito, and Shizuru. He was the brunt of constant teasing, and the entire time he endured it, he also cussed Reito out. Natsuki didn't dare try to figure out why Tate put up with it, knowing full well, Shizuru was just as ruthless with her off colored comments when they were alone.

The drive was a short one, and when they reached the front of the house, Natsuki smiled as Reito was sipping on something in a tall glass with ice, most likely tea, and Shizuru was planting flowers in boxes that hadn't been used in several years. _"Just like a home should be."_ Natsuki had watched the transformation slowly, as her lonely house became the home it hadn't been in years, and even after Shizuru left the flowers alone for the afternoon, and Reito went back to his own little apartment, one that was closer to the safety of the suburbs, even all that had changed, Natsuki knew it was only the start.

Two bedrooms on the far side of the house, two bedrooms that had once been lonely, were now filled with belongings that were actually being used...things that spoke testament to the world of today, and not fragments of a sheltered past. From painting the walls, to ripping up old and musty carpet, Natsuki, Shizuru, Tate, and Reito, had taken havoc upon the two bedrooms like a hurricane.

It was the start, merely that.

Other things also changed, Mai and Nao for example, had all of their belonging shoved into the final unused room, the smallest one, if only so that their place in Natsuki's life was not consuming the household in every single way imaginable. They tried, Natsuki could give them that. Nao was forever the thorn in everyone's side. From sneaking Alyssa candy before dinner, or simply sticking her nose into Natsuki's personal affairs, she would likely always be meddling somehow. Mai...she was always going to be a lingering soul, one who would knock on the front door late into the night...Natsuki finally just told her to use the key.

The young redhead often did, and her intense gaze upon her homework, as her fingers twitched absentmindedly, waiting for her cell phone to ring told Natsuki all she needed to know. Something was going on with Takumi...Natsuki didn't dare ask though, and left the girl alone. Mai would always have a place here...so would Takumi...and even Nao. Even if they weren't permanent.

"Smells good." Even the kitchen had begun to become a place for family. No longer merely for a meal of the fly, and the dining room, while still mostly unused, had found it's place at the center of a ruckus during game night...something that had occurred two Saturdays in a row. "What's for dinner?" Meal time was someplace in the middle of homework time, and then, after that came a movie, or a string of television shows. It was a routine that was beginning to settle in nicely, aside from the random mayhem that would show itself on any given day.

"Just some soup." Shizuru said then, drying her hands after she finished washing them, the thick smell of onion in the air likely the reason why her eyes were puffy. "We'll be feeding an army it seems..." Her eyes gazing out the window showed of Nao, who had just hopped the fence into the back yard.

"I don't know." Alyssa's eyes had peeked up from her math book, looking at the large pot on the stove. "It smells funny...soup isn't supposed to smell that way."

"That was the shallots." Shizuru said to her daughter. "They do, as you say, smell funny." She walked across the room, glancing of what problem her daughter was on, and had mentally counted in her head that her daughter hadn't gotten all that far at all from when she last checked on her. "Are you sure you don't need help?"

"I'm just bored." Alyssa said then, when Shizuru nodded.

"Go watch some television then, but I want you back here after one show." Shizuru was not a strict mother, Natsuki noticed. At least, not about homework, or grades. She was, however, a stickler for a clean household, something, that Natsuki, and in some part, Alyssa seemed to thwart every chance they seemed to have. "It's pointless to have her try to do homework right now. If she's merely going to sigh every three seconds, she won't actually remember what she did. Not only is that counter intuitive, it places undue amounts of stress on her that she simply doesn't need."

"Ah..." Natsuki's unvoiced question had been answered, and she could hear some show firing up in the background. That was another change, one that had mixed opinions.

Movies that were no longer filled with gore or violence, the types Natsuki and Nao preferred to watch, had been replaced with child friendly viewing, much to Nao's great dismay whenever she barged in. There were times, however, when Natsuki couldn't take it, and escaped all of the child wonder for a few solid hours. Happily, she's find a screen lit with guns, sex, violence, and anything else that her movie of choice entailed. Her own bedroom, thankfully, was also equipped with a television, so escape was only a staircase and a door away.

Her poker parties, one she held late at night still ran into the early dawn on Saturdays, but only after Alyssa fell asleep. For Natsuki, she knew her life had changed in only the best ways. Her world had only grown larger, if Mai was any indication.

Mai would end up staying over, especially when Takumi went through a rough recovery, as he was going through currently, and Mai's voice mingled with Alyssa's as they talked about some comedy show. Natsuki peered at the two of them before returning back into the kitchen, her deeply filled sigh one of not only worry, but slight guilt. "So, what's up with her brother this time?" Natsuki asked Shizuru. She knew with the way Mai's school bag rested on the coffee table, and the duffel bag on the floor that meant she wasn't going to go home tonight.

"He's up at the hospital again, merely for some tests I assume. Her father shooed her off and she's been here ever since." Shizuru said, knowing how lonely Mai got when she was at home waiting for answers that would likely take hours. Shizuru didn't wish that on anyone, and with Mai's brother, it was common, but still worrying none the less. "I figured you wouldn't mind if she stayed for dinner, besides, she said she would cook breakfast tomorrow, and that will come in handy."

"Thank god." Natsuki nodded, she hated cooking and was also pretty bad at it. "So, do you always leave early on Friday morning to run errands?" As she sat down, looking at Alyssa's math work book, she shook her head. The work was pointless, and if Natsuki had her way about it, she's have Alyssa blow this assignment off. It wouldn't be used in the real world anyway, Natsuki knew that for a fact. "Or do you just have to be someplace really early?"

"Well, it isn't that I have to leave early, however, if I want to get everything done before Alyssa comes home, then it's always wise. The traffic is horrid, and I work an afternoon shift tomorrow, so that means I have to get up a little earlier than usual." Shizuru wanted to go to the market like she did every week, buying fresh produce among other things that she knew wouldn't spoil in the car if she left them alone while she worked. "Besides, all of the errand I've got to run isn't anything you or Alyssa would take interest in, unless you want to stop at the dry cleaner, and stop at the pharmacy."

"You'll tire yourself out before work if you do all that." Natsuki said then, Shizuru had a list of things she needed to get done. "I have a math test and an English test tomorrow, so I've gotta drag by happy ass into school at ten in the morning...that means I'll have to put off the gutters until I get home. The damned things." Natsuki grumbled, hating to go to class for any reason at all if she didn't have to..she's rather be pulling out mucky leaves than taking a test. "Nao told me earlier. I'll bet you she totally busts the math test."

"I take it she's not good at studying." Shizuru had gathered that impression for several reasons already, but she could say the same for Alyssa. Homework, well that was one thing, but to open her books to actually review them, Alyssa hardly cooperated when it came to doing that.

"She's good, but lets just say advanced trig isn't exactly something she cares about." Natsuki shrugged watching as Shizuru pulled freshly baked bread from the oven. "Not that I give a damn either...our teacher is a total airhead." She sighed as she closed Alyssa's book. "And that crap, she doesn't actually need it."

"I'm sure Reito would say the same." Shizuru nodded, knowing well today's math lesson was completely useless. "However, I'm forcing her to complete the assignment so that she understands the values of completing a task properly, not because I care if she retains it or not. As long as she can add, subtract, multiply, and divide without any issues, I'm happy. The rest can be taught once she has those skills, these story problems, they're long and tedious. I understand the reason why they're doing them, but Alyssa is a bright little girl, and those ones are simply redundant anyway."

"You should just let her write down the answer." Natsuki said then, picking up the other two books Alyssa had on the table and tossing them haphazardly onto the far side of the counter. "The entire 'show your work' thing is pointless, especially since we both know she can do it in her head and be done with it already...do you think that her teacher actually looks at every little thing?"

"The one she had last year didn't." Shizuru said then. "So, I let Alyssa just do things the quick and easy way, for both of our sanity...Reito and I both did things the same way. Once we had the process down, we always did it in our heads, and to try to explain how we came up with the answer grew tedious." Then with a repressed sigh, she went about getting down the plates and silverware, smiling when Natsuki got up to set the table. "This year though, her teacher is on top of things, and pays strict attention to detail. I can't let Alyssa be absentminded, or as we found out early in the year, she'll get points taken off, and her grade will lower. Why do you think I don't particularly mind her test scores?"

"Fuck tests." Nao ranted through the glass, tapping her foot at she growled in Natsuki's direction. "Let me in you asshole, the wood is in the slat."

…  
(Natsuki POV)

Nao's been a pest through this entire thing...but she makes a few good points. I'm happy with what Shizuru and I have, and I know Shizuru is content with it. She's always got a smile on her face, and she doesn't gaze off into the distance so much anymore. Ever since the picnic, whenever we sat out back, or she sat, and I raked those damned leaves that kept falling from the big tree in the back yard, she would look off into that field. It took some doing just to figure out what was bothering her, she wasn't open about it.

Shizuru, she's good at avoiding conversations until she's ready to talk.

I don't really know what I was thinking the day I saw Shizuru's apartment. I've been blessed enough to be in the very same house I grew up in. I'm lucky I can afford it, even though it was really tight on my spending. Mom left me a lot of money, but the bills aren't exactly cheep, and neither was my diet. The pocket book has gotten a lot looser now that I'm not ordering out every day. That adds up fast, and more than I care to think about. The rent in her apartment was cheep, but seeing the state it was in, it should have been even cheaper.

I didn't want her living there.

Alyssa goes to school more near the up town area, closer to where I live. Same elementary school actually, it's an elevator school that will carry her all the way to graduation, so that's a good thing...unless she wants to test into a more difficult high school, and I bet that she'll try. I'm ten minuets away from all the school buildings she'll be stuck with...Shizuru on the other hand is a good drive both ways, and if she's got work...

Let's just say Alyssa's one of those kids in that after school program.

I personally think it's unhealthy to have that much structure for any kid in one day. School is oppressive enough, without being stuck there longer than you need to be. It was safer for her there, though, rather than back at their old home, and Shizuru normally has odd hours. Still, Alyssa's better off with my friends and I during the day, at least then she can have some fun...after the kinda place she's been living in, she needs that more than anyone really realizes. I want them to be happy here, and I want Alyssa to have the freedom that she's never really had before...having a respectful fear of the city streets will do her good, don't get me wrong...but she's just a kid, and now she's gotta make up for lost time, at least, that's what I think.

I wonder if Shizuru feels the same way?

If she's got to make up for the time in her life she didn't spend fulfilled? Shizuru takes everything in stride, she always is okay with things, apparently...or at least, outwardly. She said something about going back to university to finish her degree, and I hope that's the case, especially if she has more help with Alyssa...although, sometimes I wonder if that would actually make her happy, or drive her insane. Shizuru has worked hard in her life, perhaps not as hard as everyone thought she should, and she let go of a lot of dreams when she had Alyssa, but I've got to wonder, does she still have the same ones, or, has it changed?

We haven't really talked about it.

Once I graduate high school I plan on going to the same small vocational school Mai and Nao are going to go to. I've already sent in for my request to test in. They've got a program that feeds into a nearby university, should I want to declare a major and go for some extended learning. I'm only doing things that way, because I really don't know what I want to be. My father is a heavy hitter in the sales and marketing industry. I don't really know much about it. Still, I wouldn't ever do that. My mother, she was a doctor, but she had a degree in microbiology...what ever that means.

Those are some big shoes to fill, either way, and I can't really be bothered to stare at numbers, or inside of a microscope for any length of time. I don't want to follow in either path, but, at the same time, I'm not sure what I would really enjoy...and I'm a firm believer, that if you're going to get stuck doing something for most of your life, you should at least do something that at won't bore you to death. I kind of like the idea of aviation...of being able to fly. I've always liked the idea of the wind in my hair...

When I was little, well, I would ride my bike as fast as I could down hill, just so I could feel the rush. When I was able to learn how to drive, I was starting out on an old rickety stick shift, and I thought it just wasn't for me. I didn't want to be boxed in, I came and went as I pleased...and I thought it should always be that way. That a person is free to do what they want, when they want...and I wanted to be able to live by that, so, I learned how to drive a motorcycle. I'm so much better at it, I probably won't dare to get behind the wheel of most cars now...but if I could do something, that most people would take for granted...like flying.

Well, wouldn't that be cool?

It's just a dream, I can't ever be a bird after all, so I can't really fly the way I would like to...I'll probably never learn to fly a plane either, but, I could learn to build them...to repair them. I think about that sometimes in the corner of my mind. A place where no one dares to reach, and then, some place along the path, my mind always comes full circle, and I think about Shizuru. How she acts so happy, all the time for the smallest of things. How she keeps herself from being able to run headlong into the distance where dreams actually become reality...

And how she did that for Alyssa...she stayed behind for her daughter. All of Shizuru's friends are really smart. In fact, All of them are really rich, or have a lot of clout. Reito and Shizuru...not so much. Haruka, a pain in the ass that I hate, she's a police officer, I don't know her title or rank, but she's up there. Yukino, who just so happens to be Haruka's partner...yes, they're gay...anyway, Yukino's a lawyer. Tate, well he owns some little up and coming company, something about furniture. She knows people who are in high places...but Shizuru's never once tried to follow any of these people, or try to gain what they have...

People can bitch about that all they want, but I think, Shizuru found something between the lines. Something the rest of the world doesn't see. That's good, I think...but then I wonder, is it really enough?

…

Shizuru's door was left open late that night, as she was was laying across her bed, reading in the dimly lit room, Natsuki leaned on the wooden frame. This had been one of the guest rooms, one that was hardly ever used. Now though, with all of Shizuru's belongings, and a few new pieces of furniture, the space had become something else entirely. From the wood floor that they'd put their hearts into, trying their best to make it as good as new...the walls, fresh shades of light purples and cherry blossom pinks wafting in and out...the room was truly beautiful. "Hey." Natsuki said quietly. "You know, it's nearly eleven."

"Yes...I've noticed that. I can't quite get to sleep it seems." Shizuru said as she put the book off to the side. "There's really nothing on the television, and I find that even reading can't seem to hold my interest tonight. I just feel restless." Shizuru shrugged then, smiling softly as Natsuki when she entered, sitting on the side of the bed. "You're usually a night owl though, so what brings you up here?"

"Mai passed out, and Nao finally left...Alyssa ended up downstairs too by the way. It was about an hour ago, so I threw back the recliner and put her in that when she finally passed out." Natsuki took in a breath when she noticed that Shizuru's robe wasn't tied all that tightly, and the nightgown she had on was very short, and low cut. "She said she wanted to have a pajama party, so I guess she got her wish." Natsuki chuckled, falling backwards, looking up at the ceiling, one hued in just the tiniest hint of violet. They mixed it with the white paint themselves. "Anyway, the movie was over, so I figured I'd watch a different one up here so I didn't wake them up."

"I'm sorry to say, but I doubt there any of your movies hidden in my movie case." Shizuru said then with an amused smile on her face. Her glasses, as always, were perched upon her head. When she took them down and folded them up, she couldn't help but notice Natsuki watching her intently. "May I help you?"

"Are you happy the way things are now?" Natsuki said then, as she rolled over on her belly. "Like between us?"

Shizuru paused then, her crimson eyes meeting Natsuki's in a quiet admission. "Yes...I am." Her murmur was nearly silent as she licked her lips. Her eyes closed then, breathing deeply. "Are you?"

"I am..." Natsuki said quickly. "But, Shizuru I'm always going to be happy if you're here. That's never really going to change...but I know that you've lived your life up until now, not really thinking of yourself when you do or say something." Her eyes looked at the fabric of the quilt, her emerald eyes tracing patterns of each square and triangle...each soft stitch a new road for her eyes to travel upon. "But Nao...being an idiot, she got me to thinking...thinking that you may or may not want something else from me...something we haven't really talked about yet."

"Natsuki...I'm happy with you. We have time for all of that, we really do." Shizuru said as she laughed a little bit. "Nao's just trying to look after you, but she's worried over nothing...and so are you." She leaned down to kiss the younger woman, melting into the soft touch as Natsuki's fingers began to weave their way into her fawn tresses. "You are an amazing lover...considerate, and always giving all you can. This, in it's own way, is the ultimate satisfaction...the best thing I've ever had in my life. I don't want you to think that what Nao, or anyone else says is true. I want you to be you." Shizuru's voice was laced thickly in emotions that wavered any soul that dared to hear it. "I want you to kiss me, and then never let me go. Everything else will come, because sooner or later, it's destined to do so."

"And just how do you know that?" Natsuki said, her own voice shaking from the admission...uncertainty at the forefront of her gaze, and the fears that never spilled from quivering lips.

"Because Natsuki, when two people feel something for each other...that thing is little more than a seed. You must cradle it, and protect it, for it to become anything more than that. If you let the winds of life get to that seed, it will falter...but, if it can bloom...there will one day be more seeds, and thus more chances. It's the way that life works. Love, that too, is the same way." She let her hands cup Natsuki's face, letting her thumb trail over Natsuki's lower lip. "People, they're nothing more than a seed at first. Even when they've grown up, they won't bloom without care, without protection, and without time. Soon enough, we may act of the deeper desires that we feel, but Natsuki, we both need time for that."

…  
(Shizuru POV)

She honestly has no idea what she does to people, does she?

I feel lost in her endless gaze. She's always searching for something within me, I can feel the burning questions her heart dare never to ask. I wonder just what it is about her? She's not exactly filled with vigor, and she's the last person to stand on a soapbox, chanting for all who may want to hear. She's not the pied piper, the wicked queen, the stunning princess, or even prince charming. Natsuki's none of these things...and yet, just with all of the ideals of a story...the heart pounding scenes at the end of those movies, when the woman falls weakly into the man that's saved her...there is something mystical in those eyes.

I don't try to think about what it is.

But even now, as she leans in to kiss me...all of her nervousness falls over her eyes again like clarity. She'll never get used to this...nor will I. She's begin to realize the depth of her feelings, of her need to express them in ways I never thought she'd try. There have been times when I've been stressed out, that she simply guides me gently to the kitchen chair, and then tries to ease the tension out of my shoulders, whispering in my ear not to let things get to me. There are times I'm cold while I'm watching a movie with her, and she'll hold my hands in hers...sometimes, she'll even kiss the back of them, only once, all the while her eyes never leaving the screen.

As if without thinking, or knowing that she's doing it...I like that about her.

Yet, there are times, like now, when I can see she feels like she's drowning. When she gulps down whatever resolve she has before it gets away from her. When she takes me into her arms, and kisses me, she'll put my hand to her chest, so that I can feel her heart pounding...so that I know how I make her feel. Almost always, she melts into me, and that power is intoxicating. With breathlessness, I can see the depth there. _"I love you."_ She's never said it...but I think that's what I like the most.

I don't have to ask her...she doesn't need to say it.

We could probably go on our entire lives never voicing those three little words. If that's what happens, I'll be perfectly fine with that. After all, why would I have to hear what I already know? What I see, even when she doesn't want me too. I probably shouldn't have left a hickey right on her neck like that...but her pout is just to die for...the blush too. Even now, as she mutters about my playful side, I can hear the care laced between those words. They scream out everything more than the declaration ever could.

I love her too...I know...its just too soon to say with any level of solid conviction...but even so...we'll shout it out behind our eyes. I can hear her...and I know, she can hear me. That's all that matters.


	5. Chapter 5

**Edge of Loneliness, part 5 (final)  
** (Shizuru POV)

Life is like the ever billowing seasons, it grows and changes...freezes and melts, just the the warring hearts of young maidens, ones finding their way through life. Not only have I had the chance to watch one of those hearts melt into spring, I know that I was the cause for the winter's end. That feeling, that understanding comes at great joy, but also, with a halting breath. As if, to do any more than to simply stop and stare, would take a moment so profound, and shatter it. Somethings are meant to be broken, utterly so, but this is not one of them. This moment is a beauty no one else will ever see. It is made for my eyes alone, just like the melting of her cold winter.

But ice, just like shards of glass, cut deeply. Both just as painful to endure.

The scars I see, as she sleeps here next to me, at my side...I wish I could burn that same pattern onto my own skin, as proof...as understanding, that such a depth can't possibly come from a life filled with perfection...no, it must come with haphazard glory. Natsuki was an endlessly scared soul, but she would not speak, so I could not let a melody heal her wounds. I had to do something else entirely. I had to do for her, what no one had ever done for me. Wordlessly, always, I stood by her, because speaking to a woman such as her, it looses the meaning entirely. I let her sweep me up in both childlike simplicity, and warring emotions.

It was as if she would become tangible, that she would let me see what no one else had...as if, she'd chosen me, for that alone.

I never knew that the simple act of pity, and one act of bravery, would prove to me everything I needed to know. A truth I never wanted to admit...I was the one that needed to be saved...Now though, I've watched the seasons, seen the moon rise and fall, and the oceans roar at the place her mother's soul rests. I understand now, the empty, fractured past, one that was thinly veiled behind a waning smile, was one that was actually filled with laughter. She was strong, she was the one who understood more than I ever could have known.

And with her casual reactions, I know completely now, she is the one...she proved it, without even trying. As if, it was her desire too.

It's been a year since that day. An entire year since that fateful window fell upon her body, forcing a world of change between two lonely souls. I don't think, I would have paid her the time of day, if I hadn't had misfortune fall over me like a cloak. I doubt she would have reached out, if I merely would have been a simple person passing by. We were both mixed deeply in our lives filled with simple joys, and, we could have continued on that way. We never would have known there was a void sinking deeply into us...we just aren't the type of people to take notice.

We would have continued onward, unknowing of what could have been...what should have completed us.

Natsuki and I, were at the edge of every bitterly sweet emotion, looking down into what we knew we wanted. Neither of us wanted to dive down alone. However, we knew we couldn't just stand there, waiting. We were both wishing for something...someone, to make the day just a little bit better. We wanted the sun to shine a little brighter. We had friends, and I had a family. Our lives, beyond our desires, were very much average, normal, and expected...still, we both had walls and we both wanted them to break.

So there we were, two souls, standing at the edge of a lonely abyss, gazing up at the tress of hope...unsure perhaps, just where out lives would take us. So, in our younger years, for completely different reasons, we decided to stay put. We both built our own little shelter around that edge. We made happiness where there was none, and over time, due to our staying in place, the roots we'd planted became a wall so thick, we both became strong people...but, looking strong, and being strong, are very different things. If I had been a better woman, a stronger woman, I would have climbed the trees a long time ago.

Instead, I allowed myself to build a fortress.

However, a fortress can't possibly crumble alone. Something has to move it, to shake it, to break it down, piece by piece. Then, rebuild it, instead, with a door...one that doesn't have a lock, unless someone else has the key. The funny thing is, as much as someone may want that, it takes a special type of person, of meeting, of revelation...before it can happen. Until then, all of us, every human on this earth, waits between the lines of unknown happiness, and sadness...what could be, or what will never be. No one ever truly knows until they've stepped on the first thorn.

That window falling on Natsuki, you could say, that was our thorn.

The hot summer days that drifted quickly into the cool fall weather...that was the start of chilly weather...but also something else. People say, that as soon as you've decided to change, then, you've already begun. I believe, in our own way...winter was ending for us as soon as the days grew shorter, and the weather got colder. When snow began to littler the ground, a true, fond happiness, and warmth had settled into our hearts like a change, a deeply burning flame. We may have shivered when we stepped outside, but, we did so, with a genuine smile.

There were a few hints that told me it was okay to deepen my relationship with Natsuki. Things that told me it would make everyone else around us happy too. Nao's perversion, while occasionally humorous, and actually quite true, wasn't exactly the push I needed. No, Natsuki had to endure Nao. Much to my dismay, I had to endure my daughter. One of the most interesting conversations however, came towards the beginning of winter time. I was tucking Alyssa into bed after a very long day. I had just gotten off a double shift, trying to balance the books that Reito can't seem to do, and we had an audit coming up...when I got home, I was sleepy, and frazzled.

Anyway, as my child likes to do, especially when she wants to complicate matters, dropped quite the little bomb.

…

"Alyssa, I don't know quite how she would take that." Shizuru sighed, tucking her child into bed, and sitting on the edge of it. "She is a girl after all, no matter how much Nao may say otherwise."

"Mom's don't burn food." The child said in reply. "Or my clothes for that matter. Mommies know how to iron." Then, as if something else came to mind, Alyssa smiled. "Natsuki makes good grilled cheese with the iron, but that's about it."

"She did that?" Shizuru knew she should have expected it. Natsuki didn't dare use the stove, so she had to learn to do something, even if it was unconventional. "Alright then, correction, I know how to iron." Shizuru said while shaking her head. "Natsuki and Nao know how to start a fire."

"See, just like Papa!" Alyssa said then, as if she proved she was right. "He catches things on fire too when he does it. Natsuki kinda acts like him, you know." As if to add insult to injury, Natsuki just happened to walk past the bedroom door, a soda bottle in her hand. "Look, she even dresses like him."

Confused emerald eyes gazed down at her sleeping attire, a very baggy sleeveless shirt and a pair boxers, and then met Alyssa's eyes. "Who do I dress like?"

"You dress like Papa does." Alyssa chirped. "And you do other things like him too, so I'm going to call you that from now on."

"Huh?" The clueless response fueled giggles in Alyssa. Natsuki squinted in confusion, rubbing the part of her face that had already begun to swell. "Nao might have punched me harder than I thought she did. I can't seem to follow here."

"She wants to call you 'Papa' purely do to the fact you act more like her fathers, than you do me." Shizuru explained then, all while keeping her great dismay to herself. "This is the first I've heard of the idea, but as I've already told Alyssa, the name wouldn't exactly be a good idea. It wouldn't fit after all."

"Papa..." Natsuki tasted the word as if it was some unknown entity. "You know I'm a girl, right?" Natsuki said as she leaned on the door frame, seemingly incredulous.

"Yes." Alyssa said slowly...and then, the tangent began. "But you also catch things on fire when you iron, you do the same chores Dad does, and you dress in guys clothes most of the time, especially at night. You can't cook, and mom says she can't let you clean, so, since that's what Dad says about Papa, you should be called Papa too."

Natsuki, speechless, merely nodded her head and stood there with her eyes closed, trying to ebb away the pounding in her head. It was several long moments before Natsuki could actually find words. "She has a point...a very good one, actually." Natsuki grumbled, just a little annoyed. Although she wasn't quite sure about the male pronoun, she also bit her tongue about it. "You know what, call me whatever you want...it's better than what Nao calls me."

"It was Nao's idea." Alyssa said then.

Natsuki nodded as if that simple little comment answered everything. "Call me what you want, kiddo, it really doesn't matter...just as long as you know the truth." Natsuki then nodded to Shizuru, a murderous gleam in her eyes. "Nao and I are going to be late coming home from school. I wanna talk with her."

It was only after Natsuki turned and walked away that Shizuru sighed...she knew the word 'talk' really meant 'fight'. Shizuru could only hope it happened off of school property. "I know you're fond of Nao, but you really shouldn't listen to a word she says." Shizuru said, addressing her daughter. "Although, I guess you've got your way." She didn't want to smile, but she couldn't fight the smirk making it's way across her features.

It was only after she got Alyssa into a restful state of mind, that she walked back down into the kitchen, where Natsuki was sitting at that table with a frown on her face. "At least it's better than calling me ass clown, or something like that...I've been called worse." She was still trying to convince herself there wasn't some hidden meaning within the name. "Not going to lie though, it's kinda weird."

"I could try to convince her to call you something else, perhaps something a bit more womanly?" Shizuru said than as she took to putting away the last of the drying dishes, and cleaning off the counter top.

"That really isn't the problem." Natsuki's eyes fell onto several sheets of paper she had been writing on, and then she cursed, crumpling them up into a ball. "I'll go along with whatever makes her happy. I mean, when you really think about it, everything gotta be the hardest on her. She's still a kid, so even if she's happy about staying here, you gotta wonder how she really thinks about it. So, if calling me...Papa...is easier for her to do, then I don't really mind it." She was busy glancing over the thick study book for the entrance exam. "It's more like, I didn't think she would do this so soon. It doesn't really bug me or anything, just kinda shocks me, that's all."

…  
(Shizuru POV)

Who knew such a little comment would plant a seed like that.

That was the start of change that consumed us outwardly. Alyssa began to ask questions I didn't have answers for. The things I could shrug off, I halfheartedly dismissed, almost wanting to find that answer for my own sake. Why didn't we sleep in the same room? That was one of the first questions, but also the worst offender as far as an answer. What could I say to that? I didn't honestly know. Alyssa had grown up her entire life with seeing me alone, without someone around all the time. With Natsuki though, it seemed so easy, that I forgot our actions were being noticed...and Alyssa was a smart little girl.

Why weren't we acting like her fathers? Like a couple truly would? Those questions some times kept Natsuki and I both up at night.

Reito would call me sometimes, concerned for my well being. He kept expecting that Natsuki and I were getting closer, not simply staying idle, but everyone around us failed to realize that we couldn't just be like everyone else. We had our own lives that didn't mingle, and then, we had the ideal of the life we wanted, one that would be together. It took us a little longer than most because we felt contented, and we didn't need to make things go any further than they were...and considering our situation, to me that was completely fine. Natsuki and I were feeling the pressure of other people, and, sadly enough, it hindered us, not helped us.

I think our friends finally got the idea after the eight month mark, when all we'd done was kiss, or other little things. I think it finally sunk in, that they better just leave us well enough alone.

We were quite capable of figuring things out, we just hadn't a dire need. Still, with the hints in the air, and Alyssa's firm approval, it was only a matter of time, and I knew that. I could feel it in my heart, that because Natsuki actually allowed the entire 'Papa' debacle, she was letting Alyssa acknowledge what was already beginning to happen. Natsuki herself, had begun to acknowledge it too.

For Natsuki, that was an amazing step, because she was agreeing to allow Alyssa to look at her as a parent.

Parents do things together if they're a couple, and by allowing Alyssa to call her papa, she was encouraging the questions Alyssa kept firing off at us. Some of them were completely encouraged by Nao, I'll bet anything on that. Still, the fact was, Natsuki and I were forced into corners by them, forced to think about the truth, about how far we hadn't gone. It became apparent, startlingly so, that it was time to kick things up a few notches. We did things like sharing a shower together, or leaving Alyssa with Mai as a babysitter while we went out on dates. We began to dive deeper into personal subjects when no one was around...and sometimes, we'd let ourselves get a little spontaneous if we knew everyone was safely out of the house.

That part was a bit hard on us at first...awkward being the best explanation.

I'd always had a child around, so doing things in open areas, well, that was a bit unnatural for me. I'm so used to having my ears open for trouble, that I forgot at first, what it was like to be caught up in the moment. I had to fight down the urge to call Mai every handful of minuets when we were out, because that's just what a mother does, she worries. Natsuki wasn't used to being so affectionate either. You know, there were a few times that I wondered what was racing through her head. Times when I had her pressed into a wall, or she was straddling me, and I could see something in her eyes.

Almost like the start of boiling need.

Natsuki's so kind, and gentle, in her own little ways. Sometimes, I don't know what she'll think of next, especially when she blushes at me. We've only just started sharing a bed, only have just begin to really fall deeply into the recesses we always knew were there, but never dared to question. Last night though, on the anniversary of the day we first met, she became, not bold exactly...but clearly outward. Her intentions were the furthest thing from innocent last night, and even in the afterglow, I'm speechless, and deliriously happy.

...

The door creaked open, echoing off the tile. The heated steam sent cloud that masked the light blue and white that colored the room, but Natsuki didn't care as she shut the door behind her, sighing deeply at figure being pelted by the water, as it cascaded down her bare back. "Alyssa's with Reito tonight." Natsuki said softly, the words a gently husky whisper. "Mai's with her brother...and Nao's nowhere to be found." Her shirt was already off, punctuating the statement as it hit the floor. "Tonight is a rare night."

"Yes, I suppose it is." Shizuru said then, watching Natsuki through the glass of the shower door. "It'll be peaceful for once. None of the usual ruckus to deal with. I bet it'll be quite nice."

"Is that the only word you have for it?" Natsuki said, pulling open the door, her long flowing tresses of midnight the only thing keeping her from becoming completely exposed. "I would think you'd have something more romantic to say about it." As she stepped under the spray, closing the door behind her, she pulled her hair back, closing her eyes as she let the droplets drench her in heated bliss. "Or at least different, I guess."

"You're the one who does that, not me." Shizuru softly, embraced the woman she loved. Her crimson eyes stood out in the mist, even when she had to blink away the water that ran like a waterfall down the sides of her face. "You just don't realize it, when you do it."

"Maybe I don't want to realize it..." Natsuki said then, letting her eyes meet with Shizuru's and she bit her lip, breathing deeply the scents of lavender from Shizuru's shampoo. "I've already got the scar, Shizuru. That's all the reality that I need." Her fingertips pushed away fawn banks that clung to Shizuru's forehead, another sigh slipping past her lips. "But, if I wanted a dream to be real, tonight would be the night I would make it happen."

"The question is..." It was something that had been in the back of Shizuru's mind for a while off and on. "If you did, would you want to make it real?"

Natsuki responded with a kiss. A featherlight touch that begged to ask the same question. Then, it deepened, and an entire new question came peaking out from the shadows. With gentle ease, Shizuru backed Natsuki into the tile of the shower. The young woman hissing when her warm flesh met the cold surface. Their eyes fluttered closed as they kissed again, Natsuki's hands finding, and holding Shizuru's. When they parted, breathlessly, Natsuki's emerald eyes were hooded in such a way, that her parted busied lips spoke of everything her voice would never say. Instead, she pressed her body into Shizuru's fully, her heated breath breezing past Shizuru's ear in a whisper so quiet, Natsuki wondered if she could be heard. "What do you think?"

…  
(Natsuki POV)

Up until that night, I was happy to just let things go on like they always had been.

We had a routine that fit so well, just like a glove. Shizuru's order kept the mess and trouble away. I graduated high school without even knowing how the time was passing me by. Mai, Nao, and I, all got into the vocational program...we passed with flying colors, and Alyssa, well, another year done, an ass load more to go. That's how things were. Dinner we spent together, as some measure of family...I never had to feel alone. I did however find myself reflecting a lot. At first, it was because I was alone in bed, tossing and turning, even if the screen had zombies eating people, I just couldn't focus. My mind kept wandering in a big circle... and somehow, without fail, Shizuru was the end of a every messy line of thought.

It was like a spiral...and no matter what I did, I couldn't stop until I reached Shizuru in my mind.

Everything would become my universe, and I would thank god if I was in bed and no one could see me. There were times, especially when Nao got perverted, when I felt like I might have lost my center of gravity. From her scent, to her cooking, to the way she spoke to Alyssa and the others... her toleration of Nao being a jackass...everything would turn around in my mind, and would come around into one very easy solution. At first, it made me a bit nervous, and I didn't want to say it, so I didn't, but I think that made matters worse...I would end up reflecting more.

We spent our first fall together, trying not to beat Nao within an inch of her life, and keeping Mai in high spirits. All the while, managing work, school, and our hectic lives. Then...winter came along, and it paused all of that. Our minds slowly forgot of how bad the fall had been, of how much we could have lost or gained. In childlike spirits, there was ice all over the ground, and, Nao being Nao, and me being me, and Alyssa being the little girl she should be...there were countless days we'd slip around on the ice in our sneakers. We would fall a lot. Nao and I more so than anyone else...but even though we would play, I would keep an eye on Shizuru.

She could see something I couldn't...she always laughed when we would horse around...Nao and I falling face first into something, even ice, is something she seemed to both admonish, and cherish.

For a cold season, it wasn't so cold. My back yard was actually covered in snow angels, and we tried, and failed to build and igloo, too. Still, everything was fine. Even into the spring and summer, the days that would pass us by seemed normal...just an ordinary day, with extra ordinary people...that's what I thought. I was okay with that too. I was okay with just kissing Shizuru, with being by her side...but every now and then, I'd get this feeling, like, it was starting not to be enough anymore...the thing I didn't want to say became more and more apart of me.

I wanted more from her.

There were a few times, where my breath would catch, and I'd think to myself...god, this is it...this is what I've been hoping for...but then...then we'd pull away, and go on about our lives. I could tell she was holding back, even when I began to slip into the shower with her, even when she'd press me into the wall, and I could feel the rush...better than the wind, and more breathtaking than anything I could ever come up with. I wanted more of it, to feel my blood pumping through my veins, because no one had ever made me feel that way before.

Before I knew it...the feeling I just couldn't seem to catch hold of was beginning to feel like a drug...a very addictive drug, and my curiosity of it would not go away until I figured it out.

Time went onward though, and the feeling remained something I only had the smallest taste of. About a week ago, I got to thinking, things flew by before I knew it...then I realized if a year could go by that fast, like it was just a blink of an eye...I didn't want to lose any more time. I didn't want to just stand there and wait, because, like I tell Shizuru all the time...waiting, it normally doesn't help. I could tell she would be unwilling to give me any time of day in that regard, unless, I asked for it.

But the idea scared me...what I wanted from her, I knew I'd be exposing myself completely...and in a way I never had before. The times we had gotten to that point, to the point where I was actually becoming high off of her, I realized health class isn't nearly as explicit as it should be. Somehow, I missed the paragraph about wishing to set fire to every bit of clothing between us in frustration, or at least tearing them to shreds. I must have missed the part entirely, that you feel like you may actually go insane if you aren't being touched...and the fear that pounds in you...that weird mix of wanting to keep going, and wanting to stop...

Fuck heath class for not warning people about that shit...

Shizuru became a distraction at the worst times. I mean like really, sometimes it was just not right how much she could do, how much trouble she could cause, just by eating something in just the right way...I was rendered into a babbling idiot once when we were eating ice cream, and she knew it too...she knew I wanted her...that I wanted those feelings, and I wanted to see her feel the same way. Unglued, disheveled, and sweaty...biting her lower lip when I licked that one spot, just under her breast, as the water in the shower starts getting cold...I wanted to replay all of our playful moments, taking them beyond playfulness.

What a better place than the shower to start?

I found out rather quickly, that teasing her in the shower was the easy part, but falling backwards on the bed...that one was an entirely different matter. I gulped as she loomed over me with that look in her eyes. The one that she gets if you tease her more than you should...I know know what that look is. She normally locks herself in her room for hours at a time after our long showers, but as she loomed over me, taking in my body, burning me with her gaze, I remembered that I'm the one that provoked that look, and that I'm the one who should take care of her needs.

Still, she's the one who took hold of my hands, she's the one who kept me from moving as she whispered in a soft purr. _"You first, love."_

…  
(Shizuru POV)

I have met many women in my life that can make me raw with need...There were times it sometimes hurt to move...all of those women leave before the break of day...they were gone before I knew it... and I was okay with that...because that had been my way of life...

With Natsuki though, I could see her clearly with every sighing breath. Natsuki would not have gone this far, without considering the implications, and so, when she advanced upon me in the shower, taking with her every moral she could find, and damning it to hell, I let her. I could feel her becoming moist against me thigh, even when the pelting water and the steam added more heat into the already warming air. Our kiss impassioned, messy and lacking any social graces, but at that point, neither of seemed to care. I wanted her tangled up within me, and the way she let her nails trail down my back when I nibbled at the nape of her neck was beginning to intoxicate me.

I could tell her inhibitions were weaker than normal when she arched into my touch, not shying away from it, and the blush staining her cheeks was just as much because of her embarrassment, as her breathlessness. I wanted her to fly, I wanted to feel the liquid heat that was so excitingly drenching my thigh. The cooling water wouldn't offer me any more time, and I slammed off the spray with more force than I should have. With sloppy kisses, we trailed water across the carpeted floor of Natsuki's bedroom, only one towel, the one she grabbed, wrapped around both of us, pressing us tighter, as her hands clutched the fabric, her knuckles digging into my shoulders.

We collapsed, haphazardly on the bed, and breathlessly, I trailed my hands up her toned arms, feeling the slender muscles ripple under my touch. So womanly and soft, a hidden strength within. The joys of a woman like her...like a keen tigress who hunts her pray so expertly, and has the strength to face down most men, becoming docile by my touch. I held her hands down on the soft pillows, telling her that she should be first. In my mind, I reason it's because she is new at this...but my heart knows the better reason...

I wanted to see her become mine, I want to see her for all that she is...in a way no one else has ever seen.

There is that joy, when you're in love with someone like her...

One so guarded, tough as nails...becoming soft, because she's in love...when you take notice of something like that...the world falls apart and rebuilds itself around the two people desperately, hopelessly in love.

Then the speed of the moment, the fire, the burning passion slows down for a few fleeting minuets, sweet nothings murmured, giving solace to the gentle beating heart that is more fragile that the world knows. Eyes taking in the beautiful sight of her, of what she wants, and all consuming reality that will face her the next day. Sometimes questions come up, and sometimes you can find out everything you'll ever need to know, in a moment where time stops. It can't stop forever though, and in the midst of soft kisses, and gentle caresses that speak of more than you dare say, you begin to rebuild that fire.

To coax from a woman the deepest of wishes, it's not simply foreplay that causes such a burn. The feeling has to be there already, the desire must have a spark, to light the flame...teasing featherlight touches must become something more, the soft kisses, they must command power, protection, from the harsh winds of the tornado you're building within. And when she arches to your touch, you must give into her needs. Tweaking a pebbled peak as it calls for you, her hitching breath a shout she dare not make into something more. However, if fingers can't coax such a reaction, a warm tongue, trailing liquid heat just might.

The soft moan a plea...one husky, and dark...quiet, and hardly even a sound to begin with...still it is a rumbled yell between parted lips, even if it does not elude the truth.

She needs you in that moment, and with ease, it comes natural to hold her tightly in your embrace...because doing so provides not only the firmest protection, it gifts the best pleasure. In her ear, sweet nothings again must protect her, because the liquid heat in her core burns, and even if something is not there to signify the truth, you already know that this is the first time she has ever allowed anyone this close...and as she closes her eyes, it's your job to guide her through the feeling. It's your job to endure your own, putting aside your throbbing needs, as you care for hers.

There's a thundering call in your blood, that spurs the both of you, but as she begins to buck, her hips following your command, a sloppy rhythm finds purchase between the both of you...untamed and unpracticed, her slick womanhood gives heat to your cool fingers, and haphazardly, you brush spots that cause her to cry out, a tiny little nub of nerves crashing waves into both of you, as you try to keep her grounded on earth, but to no avail...

You knew it would happen sooner or later, she would reach nirvana.

Even when she falls from her high, breathless, gasping for air, and solid ground, the only thing that anyone can do, is hold that woman, to cherish them. There are very few people in this world who fit so perfectly with their partners...lovers into the night, and normal people with daily lives when the sun rises...there are very few who get past the rocky parts, and lesbians, they go through some horrible dry spells with their lovers...I know that, I know there may come a time when we reach one of those...but, even if such a time were to come like a wasteland, I'd remember tonight.

I'd remember seeing her, as I've wanted to see her...knowing that she fit me no matter what. For not the first time, I trail my finger along the scar on her back, and for not the first time, I realize all that has come and gone within one year...and for some reason, I want to slow down again, and perhaps keep Natsuki in bed all day. To hold her, to be away from the sounds and sights of the world around us...and stay locked away for one lazy morning...one with whispered affections, and perhaps quiet passion.

Then, in the afternoon, Alyssa will come home and probably want lunch. Nao will likely barge in as she always does when she's looking for food or trouble, and Mai will eventually give us word on Takumi's condition...he finally got the surgery he required, but transplants take a long and difficult recovery...so with this joyous news, will also come Mai's presence once again, as her brother recovers and goes through his rehabilitation. She will not endure her worries by herself. Natsuki and I would never stand of it.

Studying, dinner, movies...Alyssa likely breaking the strict bedtime, that's not quite so strict anymore...All of that and more await me on the other side of the sunrise. I look forward to it, because, that's the joy, when I'm in love...with someone like Natsuki.


End file.
